To: A Kid Like Me.
From: A Kid Like Me.
When I was younger I was crazy. I always wanted to be the most captivating thing inside any room. I'd make outrageous comments and act as if nothing mattered. Which was fine. I was only seven.
That had to be expected.
But when the happy go lucky class clown begins to struggle with their mental health everything becomes unexpected.
Everyday I'd struggle as my external chaos decided to slowly settle inside my body. There was a mess inside my head I couldn't even fathom a way to clean up.
Anxiety was really hard for me. It manifested in the form of self-destructive tics and unexplainable breakdowns. I didn't have control over my own body anymore and I didn't understand why.
Anxiety for me was at its worst when it was undiagnosed.
A couple years ago a boy told me emotional turbulence can't physically hurt you.
Every time he said that sort of sick catch phrase of his I wanted to pin him against a wall and break his nose then ask him if the very definition of emotional turbulence didn't just punch him in the face.
I think it bothered me so much because in a way I knew he was right. I was the one hurting myself but I couldn't control it. I couldn't control it. It wasn't me. But it was.
I spent years in therapy programs that treated me like a drug addict in rehab. Everyone was telling me to find solace in Katy Perry lyrics and motivational speakers.
Telling me to count down from ten before confronting something or trying to escape an internal attack. One lady asked me what my superpower was during group therapy.
I wanted to scream back at her, "This is the most idiotic thing I've done in my entire life." I didn't want to indulge in her fantasy.
I told her, "I would have super-strength," as if I didn't already look like I took steroids. She just nodded and moved onto the next person. I hated those stupid confidence boosting camps.
Here's a tip: don't go to a sport's therapist before you've gone to a general therapist. In sport's therapy they have you visualize and do breathing techniques.
Go to a general therapist first so they can help you figure out why you need to do those breathing techniques.
Not understanding why you don't have control over yourself is maybe one of the most painful things to deal with.
I eventually stopped encountering triggers on a daily basis because I avoided them. I quit gymnastics and I stopped hanging out with my friends or going outside. None of that was actual living.
I fell into a depressive state and started losing control of myself again. I hated myself. I hated myself so much and I wanted to hurt myself for it.
Why can't you just be strong? Why can't you get a hold of yourself? Why aren't you enough? Self harm wasn't a tic in the same way clearing my throat was.
I had complete control of the sharp thing in my hands. I wanted it. And I hated myself for it.
One day after school ended my mom dropped our neighbor off across the street and I undid my seatbelt and started sobbing when the girl went inside her house.
I gasped out everything wrong with me. I begged for help. I wanted to stop hurting.
My mom took me to the doctors and I was finally put on medication. It stopped my angry bouts and anxiety attacks.
I still sometimes fall into depressive episodes but I'm always strong enough to overcome it. I understand why some people don't like medication. It doesn't work as well for others.
But please, keep an open mind and at least try it out. It can only help you.
When I was put on medication I finally felt like myself again. I was seven years old with an external chaos that had my body dancing instead of my brain. Anxiety no longer controlled me.
I controlled myself.
Dear Kid Like Me,
You can do this. Just stay strong. Just ask for help. Just try.
A Kid Like Me.