It's 4 AM and mom gave me the aux cord. I wasn't sure if she'd actually let me have it since she's so on edge but she probably thinks I deserve it after everything tonight. Great.
I love a good guilt trip.
The car's blinkers go on to fill the silence as I struggle to get my stupid phone hooked up. There's like seven different ways to do it and you'd think at least one of them would work.
I think about what playlist would be best. Ruling out Fazed because the last thing your mother wants to hear is melancholy indie music.
Definitely don't wanna listen to Writings Remain because it's four and I'd wanna sing along and it just hurts so much.
We get on the interstate and I settle on Tired Punks and Little Puffs. Which is filled with great classics for a long night. Dreamer's Ball by Queen fills the car.
I pull a weak smile and grip the seat's armrest as I try to readjust myself. It's just so much pain. I'd spare my mom some pity and use my AirPods but it just hurts.
I can't feel anything in the left side of my face. My ear aches. It's not happening.
God. Queen is just... so good. Everything about that band is brilliant.
I feel giddy. I'm smiling. I was smiling like crazy in the parking lot earlier too. Even I have to admit that's just weird.
I think the doctor didn't make me priority because of the way I was acting. Smiling and joking. I wish I said my pain level was at a 9.
I'd always thought of a number that high being reserved for like... pregnant people.
But I think back to when my physical therapist did that weird electro muscle contraction therapy thing and I'd say that this is on par with that pain.
Except this is lingering and only getting worse and every time I swallow I wanna scream. The doctor just left me there for hours. Sitting in that hospital bed trying to bite back sobs that just hurt way too much.
I’ve been to the hospital maybe five other times. I just... this is the first time I remember it. I used to brag about all my hospital trips. As if I could ever remember any of it as a toddler. But this. I’ll definitely remember this.
I’ll remember the crying. The laughing. The dimmed lights when they did the ultrasound. Shoved that little sucker on my neck like it wasn’t being shoved right into most painful thing in the world. I'll remember how much I just wanted to get better.
I close my eyes and go to the Dreamer's Ball.