I don't. I just don't. Not today. I'm not dealing with this today. I'm just gonna fuck off the face of the earth for as long as I can and even then I'll keep running away.
I'll just sleep in the back of the library if I have to. Heaven knows I'd love that.
I'm white-knuckling Envelope Poems and watching my breath come out in clouds. It's too cold to be outside. The hairs on my arms are standing up and I can feel a shiver coming on. Goddamnit.
I hate myself. I hate that I'm standing right outside of Swanson hall and daydreaming that Jorie is gonna come after me.
Daydreaming about someone who just spat my insecurities at me in the worst fucking way possible. The girl I fucking love. The girl who isn't gonna chase after me.
I watch another cloud leave my lips, then trudge back inside. She's stupid enough to play along if I just deny it, right? She'll think the insanity finally went to her head? Probably not.
It'd be worth a try, though.
The elevator door could not open any slower. What piece of shit honors kid is coming down? All the honors kids are shit.
Half the time the floor smells of weed and the other it's nervous breakdowns accompanied by alcoholic ramblings. We're all pieces of shit.
Jorie is a piece of shit.
"I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But just... I won't act like that again. I promise. You can talk to me. For christ's sake I'm the gayest-- I should probably shut up, shouldn't I?"
I stare at her. Her fucking crazy hair. Her robin's egg eyes. Her. The door starts to close. I stick my foot out at the same time she throws her hand forward.
She's leaning over me, hand on the door, and I'm looking her right in the eyes. I step forward. She puts her hand on my hip.
The door closes.