I ask myself everyday. What if the world had been kind to me? Now as I reflect upon my past I realize I have always been abnormal.
My father never cared for me, my sisters often acted like I didn't exist, but I still loved them.
I was born blind in both eyes because I have severe ROP caused by being born early. Although, I could always see myself.
But I've never been around anyone else who was blind and always thought that was normal, now I guess it's so I could never know I when I would die.
I realized I was even more different the day my dog died.
I saw for the first time a golden retriever with the greenest of eyes, as stared into them I saw the light fade and as I did my happiness.
I never told my parents I had seen her because they had always been distant, never fully there. My dad was always working day in day out barely stopping to notice me or my siblings.
Sometimes I thought he forgot I existed or at least wished I didn't.
While my mother was always so busy looking out for me and my siblings. She was always working and helping others, I didn't want to add something else to her already overflowing plate.
Only on my 18th birthday did I ever feel the need to reveal the truth. My mom was having a big dinner with the entire family to celebrate me becoming an adult.
I was finally free, at least that is what everyone else said. Only I cared to admit the truth, I would never be completely free, although I would never say that aloud.
The truth was, I would always need someone's help to guide me through the world I was never allowed to see.
I awoke to my mother sitting at the foot of my bed telling me to wake up. Wiping the sleep out of my eyes, my jaw hit the floor. I could see her.
Her grey eyes shone bright with love as she looked down at me.
"I love you so much mom!" I said holding back tears as I flew into her arms.
"Love you too, Page."
She chuckled as she spoke, a look of surprise on her face and I knew I had taken her off guard.
As I sat back I started admiring her face, the face I had imagined everyday since I could remember and it was better than I could ever imagine.
Her face was round,
all of her features were soft and kind although warn from the years of stress of having four children one of which was as far as she knew completely blind and two others who took her
and everything she did for them for granted.
She saw me staring at her,"Are you okay, honey? You look... happier than usual."
Then, I realized I was beaming.
Suddenly, my heart fell, I came to a realization.
I didn't fully understand what it any of it meant, but came to the notion that my mom was going to die and I didn't know if I could do anything to save her,
but I was going to do anything I possibly could to save her from dying and even if I couldn't admit it back then to save me from losing her.
"It's time for you to get up I'm making chocolate chip pancakes, your favorite. They'll be ready soon. Oh, I left an outfit for you on your dresser. Love you.
" she closed the door behind her as she left.
As soon as the door closed I burst out in tears, making sure to hide my sobs and screams in the nearest pillow. I didn't want anyone to hear my desperation.