It started with a cat.
I did not speak to you, but her instead,
Because loss wasn't familiar to me yet.
In my heart, part of me truly believed she was listening.
But then, I grew older, and I grew wiser.
I no longer told a lost friend the stories of my day,
Now trying to tell you.
I was never raised to believe in you.
I never wanted to.
It seemed so silly, and yet I was desperate.
Desperate for someone to listen, and you were the only choice.
So, I spoke.
Words slowly turned to complaints,
And then to begging.
Every night, telling you my plights with a broken voice and wet cheeks, and yet,
You never answered.
So I tried to change myself, tried becoming someone you'd respond to.
I asked myself over and over again,
"Have I done something wrong?"
Convincing myself that I deserved the tears you watched me shed because you wouldn't stop them,
I let your silence tear me apart bit by bit.
Self-hatred combined with pleading never answered led to anger.
Anger that you didn't listen, that no one listened.
Eventually, I forgot you again.
I decided that you weren't there, because it hurt more to think my words fell on ears that heard but didn't listen than to think you weren't real.
But the damage remained,
And the ceiling still hears my woes.
I do not blame you,
And I do not think you owe me anything,
But I also do not believe in you.
I just can't believe that you'd watch me suffer.
So, I learned to grow up and move on without your help.
I can take care of myself now.
I do not thank you, and you do not have to thank me.
I am okay with your ambiguity,
And I do not need you anymore.
I didn't write this poem to offend anyone or their religion. You are free to believe whatever you choose, as am I. This poem is simply my personal experience with the topic.
If you'd like to have a discussion in the comments, please be polite and respect each other. Thank you!- Kitty