You're the only one I never cheated on. Did you know that?
I cheated on Jarrod with some black guy whose name I don't remember. His mouth tasted like weed and his back was too muscular. He was pissed when I told him we needed to stop.
"You started this shit!" I ran.
I cheated on Bryan with Chris. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. While I was busy fucking Bryan every chance we got, my heart belonged to Chris.
His belonged to me, too, even though his dick belonged to Chelsea.
I cheated on Ronnie with Star. During one of his mental breakdowns, in the midst of a trip to the beach, I told him I was gay.
It only went downhill from there, so I lied to make us both more comfortable. He was the only man for me, I told him. Technically, I guess he was as I haven't slept with another man since.
I continued sleeping with Star.
I cheated on Ashley with Lindsey. And with you. For a short period during my sophomore year, I was somehow sleeping with three people and you were the only one who knew.
But you? I never cheated on you. In fact, I kept choosing you even after you cheated on me. Maybe that's karma. They say she's a bitch, so maybe you're karma.
What is it about cheating that makes it appealing? Is it the danger? The suspense? Do the secrets make it exciting?
I can't speak for most people, but every time I've cheated it's been because I wasn't invested in the relationship. I also hate confrontation, which naturally occurs during a break up.
It ends up being easier for me to just find someone new and let the relationship fizzle out.
Is that what you did? Were you not invested? Were you bored or not as in love as I was? What did she have that I didn't? I can't stop wondering why.
But I guess that's how it goes, huh? The cheatee doesn't get to know all the time. In fact, a lot of the time, they know nothing. They don't get to understand.
Did you know I haven't cheated since you left me crying in my best friend's bed until three in the morning? Before you, I had never felt that betrayal, that vulnerability, that anger.
I realized that I had wronged a lot of people. That I had caused a lot of hurt out in the world.
I don't know how, but I guess I didn't realize that even if I wasn't into the relationship, the other person still might be.
Even if I could clearly see that I had no emotional attachment to Jarrod, or Bryan, or Lindsey, that I was able to walk away and not look back, I never considered their feelings.
Does that make me a psychopath or just selfish? I often wonder about the difference between the two.
But I learned from you. It might have been the most common sense lesson that a person can learn, but I learned that my actions affect other people.
I learned that if I spend months or even years of my life with someone, what I do matters to them.
I know that I was number three for you. I was the third person you cheated on. I wonder if you've learned the same lesson I did. I wonder if someone has broken you the way you broke me.
On the one hand, I hope they did. I hope they built you up, set you up for forever, then disappeared into the land of I'm Sorry and never returned.
I hope you went barreling down the same path of self-destruction afterwards like I did with weight gain, one night stands, and too much alcohol. On the other hand, I hope you're happy now.
I hope you've found someone you can be invested in, someone invested in you. That line between hating and loving an ex can be too fine to see sometimes.