and he hugs me. the words i'll never say stories
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wordsiwontsay
wordsiwontsay Community member
Autoplay OFF   •   2 years ago
05.03.17'
An open mic and the boy I like

Why today, why now, why did He listen?

My baby hairs are untamed, my shirt isn’t right,

And that stupid pimple sits on my forehead.

Yes, I asked God to “Please, let him be there”

But I did it with the half-hearted reassurance

That there’s no way He ever would.

But he’s here, he walks to me with a smile—

Oh that perfect smile! And he opens his arms—

Oh what a lucky girl I am!—

and he hugs me.

And in those two seconds I felt my dopamine spike,

I felt the world go round, I saw the sky light up,

And I swore that I was high on your affection.

Then, in the dimness of the cafe, I sat a row away

Because if I let the force of your attraction pull me to where you sit

You’d know.

You’d know who I like, you would know

Who sits in the back of my mind as the minutes tick by

Because my eyes scream it when I look at you.

So, I fought the attraction and the impulsive urges with my common sense which screamed,

“Stop, stop, you can’t have him notice.”

But when a girl stood in front of the crowd to share poetry about a crush

I found myself looking at you.

She spoke of idolizing a boy, smiling because of his words,

And I thought only of you

—but when I looked at you, I saw a boy, with his ambitions straight

His eyes set only on the goals ahead, and I remembered

That you were leaving.

That I can’t reach your eyes, your smile, and your kindness where you’re headed.

The games of seeking you in the hallways will end because you’re quitting for a larger play.

My list of one hundred stupid reasons to hug you will be better off thrown away.

My extra reason to smile on an early Monday morning

Will just leave me yearning.

And through the chaos of my thoughts, it hurt to realize:

You weren’t looking my way, the same way I was looking at you.

So I pleaded. This time, with the half-hearted hope that He would once again listen:

“Don’t let him disappear forever from my side!

Bring him back to my side! Let him feel the high and the insanity

so I won’t be the only one sleepless and praying.”

And please—please I ask you—

Let those moments last longer than two seconds.

Let him search for me in the dimness of this cafe.

If he can’t like me back I will be satisfied if he stays.

This time

He didn’t listen.

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