Do you? - Musings of an Anxiety Attack

Do you ever just want to put an entire damn bullet through your head?

Or jump from a chair

With a noose tied around your neck?

Does your family ever worm it's way into your thoughts at those times?

What about your friends?

Your boyfriend?

Your girlfriend?

Do you ever think about who would be the one to find your body?

Do you really want them to see you like that?

To be torn and distraught,

Over seeing your final fuck you to life,

And the pain it's caused you?

Do you really want them to see how painful life really was for you?

Do you then begin to think of other ways to die?

Ways that may not hurt them as much?

Such as standing under a tree in a lightning storm,

Or swerving your car off the road when it's raining,

To may it look like an accident?

Do you think that these ways will hurt them less because

They may not realize how much pain you were in,

In your final moments?

Do you then realize,

No matter how you die,

Those that care about you will still be in pain,

Due to the loss of you?

Do you then wrestle with your own mind,

Trying to convince yourself,

No one cares about you,

And that it won't matter,

How,

When,

Or even,

Why you die?

Do you then let in the tiniest of voices,

From the deepest corner of your twisted mind,

Letting it say,

People do care about you,

And that they will be devastated to find you dead,

No matter what shape they find your body in?

Do you then contemplate ways to suffer in silence,

Such as cutting,

Punching,

Crying,

Bruising?

Ways you can release the pain you've been feeling,

Without having to die

And without letting it out to others,

The pain you are constantly in everyday of your life?

Do you end up not doing any of these things?

And end up screaming,

Day in,

Day out,

Inside of your own mind?

All because you can't find the 'courage' to do any of these things?

And because you don't want anyone to know,

The extent of what you're feeling,

Do you end up bottling everything up,

And tucking it neatly away?

Do you put on a face for the world,

So no one sees how broken you are inside?