There is a sweet smell that fills the air before you step into the room
It is a smell that takes any child back to their childhood memories of going to a fair
The child peeks through the window, watching them whisk up the fluffy sugar
They beg their parents, just one, I'll be good, I promise
To most, it brings back pleasant memories
The first time on the Zipper
Reaching the top of the ferris wheel and swearing you could see Mt. Everest
Getting off the tilt-a-whirl, thinking you may puke
But for me, the smell is not pleasant.
When it fills every corner of the room
I can feel my legs wobble, my heart pound
My body enters fight or flight
But there is a third instinct, one we do not commonly experience
Every bone, every muscle, it refuses to move
To take a step
To get out.
For me, that smell means her
It means getting yelled at
It means being the one in the wrong
It means never being good enough
It means never being successful in life
It means being emotionless
It means being heartless
It means constant pain from the woman she was supposed to be, but never was
The pain fills each inch of my body in different ways
My outfit isn't good enough, who would wear that out?
My hair isn't styled right, I don't want to embarrass myself.
My stomach is too flat, too fat, too much, no one will like that.
My fingers are like my father's, they are too similar and fat.
My toes are big, I shouldn't wear sandals without painting my toenails.
The pain is familiar
The smell is intoxicating
Breaking down all the walls I built so she couldn't hurt me anymore
Choking on the words she forces down my throat
Feeling guilty for nothing.
The smell of cotton candy, it brings pain.
That's why I don't like fairs.