I’m looking for a place.
A place where my heart can rest.
I have so much to do, to experience, and trust me, I’m not looking for a place to rest for eternity.
I want a place my heart could come home to.
A place where, although I am weary, I am safe, I am warm.
A place where there are blankets and cocoa and acceptance and just, peace.
A place where maybe there are other people, people who aren’t yelling at me to do my work, pressuring me to look down at my book and soak up the knowledge like a sponge,
a place where there are actual people and not just voices that surround me and, quite frankly, scare me.
This isn’t a place for everyone, I know.
Many people prefer being out, going about.
Especially at my age.
See, my age is a special age.
I am old enough to do quite a lot but, I am still too young to know enough about what I should do.
At least, that applies to most people my age.
I’ve been doing a lot since I was young. I know that I don’t want to be doing these things anymore.
It’s like this.
I’ve always seen life as a rollercoaster, a joy ride that people can only really thoroughly enjoy at the ripe age of 18, because that’s when they can get on, legally, that is.
This rollercoaster can be a lot of things.
This rollercoaster is an experience, it can be a series of experiences.
A literal rollercoaster of emotion that can be fuelled by so many things. Many of those things are, in fact, explosive.
It can be alcohol, it can be new relationships, it can be the identity crisis most teenagers have at this point.
I’ve been on this godforsaken rollercoaster for as long as I can remember.
It’s already rickety, I feel like it’s about to fall off its hinges,
and all I want to do is get off.
Many people are lining up, eager, excited, to get on their own rollercoasters and I can’t blame them.
Having lived most of their lives with the ground beneath their feet, it must be nice to experience something new, something like this.
I haven’t seen the ground in a while though. I don’t think I ever have.
Maybe I’ve been on this ride my whole life.
I know other people’ve been on their respective rollercoasters for a long time too.
Some don’t want to get off.
Some don’t know how to.
Many are scared to get off because they don’t know where to go after.
It’s like after a lifetime of not seeing the ground, they start to think the ground won’t welcome their steps.
All I know is that my heart is tired.
The rollercoaster pumps your heart, and it’s exhilarating, for a while.
Most people who get on know when to get off, and when they do, they have a place to go.
They have a place to rest in for a while, to let their heartbeats pace themselves until they’re ready to get on, and go again.
Sometimes, that again becomes neverending. They keep going, in a loop, addicted to the rush, addicted to the adrenaline running in their veins.
Addicted to the speed, so much so that they want to go faster, faster, and faster — sometimes, too fast. The cart can’t take it, and their safety loosens, and they’re gone.
They can’t go back to that place anymore.
That place with blankets, and cocoa, and people who are more than just voices.
I still have to find that place.
The place where my heart can rest.
The place where it no longer beats a million miles per minute, pumped with adrenaline, pressure, and fear.
Fear of falling off the rails, fear of the safety attached to my seat falling off, fear of the voices behind me, in front of me, yelling, screaming, fear of so, so many things.
I don’t want that fear anymore.
I want to rest.
I want to find a place to rest.
A place where there are people waiting for me. A place that has candy in a bowl, and a couch full of friends, holding a remote out to me telling me that it’s my turn to choose the movie.
That this time I can’t choose the same one, because we’ve seen that before, but if I really want to, we could watch it next time,
because there’s a promise of a next time.
A promise of tomorrow, we’ll still be here. Tomorrow, if you’re still tired, we’ll still have blankets, and cocoa, and tomorrow you’ll still be accepted, you’ll still be safe.
That here, you are safe.
That here, you can rest.
That here is that place you’re looking for, that home that you could come back to when you’re tired, cold,
and just want to be away from the rush of the rollercoaster you’ve been on since the beginning.
That here is the place where your heart can rest, finally. Indefinitely.
I still have to find that place. I think I’ve found it, actually.
I think I’m staring at the door, but I can’t be too sure.
I still have to knock to find out.
I can’t wait for it to open, to hear the voice that will tell me;