If only I could rewind back to the time we were driving to your house through the country lanes with the wildflowers.
The windows were down; the wind flying past us so fast we could have been flying. We stopped spontaneously to swim in the river with the rope swing.
Thinking back to these memories now, I never would have thought I was yet to cry so many tears.
Sometimes I see your name in the day leading to consequent dreaming of us before things turned still. I can hardly survive the turmoil of the morning when I realise none of it is real anymore.
Once in a blue moon, the longing to hear from you defeats me and it leads me to wonder why it is always me wanting to know how you are - to know whether you feel the same gaping hole as me.
It wasn't always like this. I remember the first time I saw you outside the local coffee shop.
I apprehensively walked out trying to feel your eyes on me; wondering if I would even recognise you from the pictures.
I must have looked extremely oblivious as you were standing right opposite me leaning on the wall and smiling.
When I finally found your gaze I forgot to breathe as I walked over to where you were. You enveloped me in a warm embrace that felt safe and homely.
The smell of you reminded me of hot summers driving to a beach somewhere in Cornwall - the SexWax freshener dangling from the roof.
We strolled down to the waterfront and I couldn't help but to become lost in your blue eyes and messy blonde hair and that smile that was so carefree.
You had something mischievous about you that I couldn't put my finger on but it felt unpredictable - I liked it.
I was not the one to take risks. I think this is why I found our relationship so intriguing and new.
A lot of the things we did would usually have made the "old" me feel very uncomfortable but somehow I felt you were helping me to discover this new version of myself who did not worry
about insignificant consequences. I just wanted to be seventeen.
Soon after we had met for the first time, we were exploring the moors close to your house, talking about life but nothing too serious.
I felt light rather than weighed down by the usual dictatorship of my mind. I just had to flow with you.
I do not know at this point whether you had already decided that this wasn't going to last but it felt too good to be forever.
When we were together,
I took time to study you closely so that I would never forget your rosy cheeks when you'd had too much to drink; when your eyes lit up when you won at our game of cards; or
your rule-breaking approach to life which made me feel the most alive I'd ever felt.
You used to wait outside my college gate at the end of the day and we'd drive away somewhere to indulge in peace away from the pressure of deadlines and to forget the world.
I used to go to your rugby training sessions - you looked so beautiful on the pitch. I could not take my eyes off you whilst the dying rays of sunlight bathed on your skin.
I found a huge sense of relief and freedom in us that it grew inevitably inside of me - the thought that this kind of love would not last forever.
You were kind and devoted to me in the beginning.
I remember I had got an invitation for us both to attend a friend's birthday party and you unfortunately had a rugby presentation that went long into the evening.
I admit that I grew incredibly disappointed as the night went on and you still hadn't turned up. I just assumed you had decided not to bother.
In my drunken state, I cried to my friend's in the bathroom. They wiped my tears, told me boys are shit and put a blanket over me on the sofa.
The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes to find you looking down at me from above laughing to my friend about my state.
You stroked my hair and told me of course you were going to come and that you got lost trying to find the right house but still made it.
We slept under a blanket on the floor that night and it was the first time I thought to myself that I loved you.
When we both started thinking about the future, we decided to take a trip to Bristol to visit the universities there and to see the city.
One night in the apartment,
I tried to help you open your can of rice pudding of which resulted in the slicing of my finger and the sight of you running out the door to get plasters and forgetting your shoes.
You came back with plasters, ice cream and wet socks. That night we laughed until we cried, watched a movie and kissed each other gently until we fell asleep and the moonlight faded.
Three years on, I still don't understand why we began to fall apart.
It was almost like suddenly you turned eighteen, went off on a holiday to Zante with your mates followed by a week spent at Boardmasters festival in Cornwall.
I missed you intensely the whole time you were away but I felt a hole where I thought for some reason that you weren't missing me.
The despair in not knowing what you were thinking was tearing me apart.
On the last day of the festival, I was local and tried to find you but I remember the effort of having to get you to meet me.
You weren't able to look at me in the eye and that smile was not as radiant as it was before.
It seemed like I had done something terribly wrong, but what? It felt inevitable that this was a sign that you wanted to end our relationship.
After you hung up the phone, I remember walking slowly upstairs in silence. Before reaching the landing, I couldn't make the final step. My knees buckled and I fell to the floor.
What felt like grief radiated through my entire body. I knew that this bliss would eventually come to an end but I could never imagine what that would actually feel like.
The last few years have been mostly a blur.
I delved deep into my studies and I know that if I was to come up to the surface again my emotions would seep back into what I felt the day you said no more to us.
I found other partners but something would always remind me of you and send me spiralling. I feel that I am incapable of ever feeling the same way I felt with you again.
I heard that you were going to start at the same university as me soon. I don't even know what or how to think about this.
I have been channelling all my energy into forgetting you with mostly success but now you're coming back.
I am certain it will not be in the way that I used to know it but I have consolation in the fact that you will be near. To see you again even momentarily would bring butterflies of all kind.
To only feel that again, I would risk everything.
From L x