Last night I had a dream, my head was in the clouds and my heart was on a beach being embraced by the summer's heat.
I woke up this morning and felt sad and overwhelmed but I decided to take on today without any regret.
Mother, I was once again hit by the cruelty of real-life and the unfairness of being who I am, I once again made a mistake and you once again reminded me of the disappointment I am.
I try to hold on to the moments of affection but I have soon come to realize that the perfect me for you is not enough, I have lived eighteen years of my life for you.
I am perfectly imperfect and yet perfectly broken...I no longer know what is real.
I feel my heartbreak and yet it seems normal; my screams are never heard, my sorrows are never forgotten; you say you love me but the moment I try to do something I become a disappointment,
I am reminded that not being perfect is a sin. You say I am an adult and should get my stuff together but how can I become an adult when I was never given the opportunity to be a child.
You say the only thing you require from me is good grades, cleaning our home, staying out of trouble, being honest, and being responsible.
It does not seem too unfair does it mother but do you realize you have forced me to be that way since the very beginning.
Don't sit like that you look like a boy, don't speak that way, don't dress like that, have manners, everything you do reflects on me, stop playing, behave, act like a girl, dress like a girl,
behave your age, be responsible.
Mother, I am once again breaking because of your words, you do not support me, you do not love me, you judge me for thinking, you judge me for feeling, you judge me for everything I do...
FOR GODS SAKE will you judge me because I breathe, eat, sleep, and walk like everyone else.
You say you are tired of me but I have already been tired of being me, I am tired of breathing, I am tired of living, I am tired of being someone I am not but MOTHER, can't you see?
can't you hear your daughter is slowly losing hope?
I have talked to many people, I have made many acquaintances but I have never felt a real connection with any of them, is sadness and pain the only emotions I possess...
I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy or the last time you told me you loved me and meant it.
When someone sees their parents shouldn't they feel happy? but why every time I see you I feel hollow? why does it scare me to talk to you? why can't I speak up and tell you how I feel?
why did you not teach me to be more open and honest? why did you not embrace me in your arms and tell me everything was going to be okay? why do you let me drown in loneliness and sadness?
why can't you just be with me and take my side when times are tough?
They say mothers know best but do they really? they say everything a parent does is because they love you but is putting me through this pain really going to be worth it?
I can feel my heart becoming cold, I have started to realize the changes in me, my empathy for and with others is no longer the same am I becoming you? is this what you wanted mother?
I have long awaited your answer to the many questions I have but everything I say makes you cry and you soon begin to tell me "If you hate me that much then kill me" can you not see
your demise is not my intended solution. I need closure before I leave, I need to at least know why you loved everyone more than you ever loved me, I need to...
no, I have to know why you raised me this way and why every time something happens I am the bad one, the unforgiving, spoiled, and heartless one of the story. Is that really my life's purpose?