It is a cold and chilly winter night, dark outside, perfect weather to go out and have a lonely walk and ponder over the meaning of life.
What does it all mean? Why is there so much order? So much disorder? Why does anything exist the way it does anyway?
It is so dreadful, all I want to do is sit at the corner of my room with my headphones on, hug my knees, and listen to music while crying my heart out.
But unfortunately, tears don't come easily when you're heartless. So I have to live with this feeling in another way.
Shall I cut my skin? Hit myself? Scratch my face, maybe?
All of that is a solution, but it just makes me feel exhausted afterwards, even though it makes me somehow relieved, it is only temporary, as later will come a wave of conscience and remorse.
But it's addictive, so obsessing. I just feel so empty, apathetic, wistful, emotionally detached, numb, so despondent.
I wish I could feel better, all I wish for is that I didn't feel like a worthless bag of trash all the time, it would be so charming to have a mind which thinks positively of itself.
A mind which knows how to love itself. A spirit which acknowledges that not all of life is a pit of injustice and senselessness.
A body which knows how to accept itself for what it is, and doesn't set fictional goals for itself.
I hate to feel this way, so mindless, so dissociated, so depersonalized, so unreal, so imaginary. It feels as if I had too much consciousness, and none at all, at the same time.
All of the world feels so fake, it feels just like a movie that's playing meaninglessly until the end comes and takes my soul away with it.
To the frontiers between reality and the never seen before. I want to be taken to the idyll, to a utopia in which all problems are resolved.
I want to feel euthymia, tranquility, peace, love, I want to stop mourning, desiring, and longing. I want to be calm, sense emotion, associate with others, be mindful, and feel life.
I want to realize. I want to realize life.
I want to comprehend the fact that I'm alive, and that this is not some sort of animated fairyland that is viciously playing according to a specific scenario.
I don't want my freedom of choice to be an illusion, I want it to be real.
I don't want to make myself feel like I need to be flawless to be a human-being, I just want to be happy... that's all I want...