The sky wasn’t very cloudy, stable weather I’d say, a bit cold, some good old wind breeze here and there. I was sitting, conscious of myself, which feels bizarre, to say the least.
It felt like, me, and myself, were separate. It felt like my mental spirit, and physical body, were separate.
Like I am just an intruder to this organism, like I was a parasite, whose actions and thoughts were all the same as the physical body’s, occurring at the same time,
and for the same purpose that both the sides had.
How did I feel about it, empty.
I concentrated on what I feel, it was nothing, how could somebody feel nothing?
It felt like somebody pushed their hand through my chest and stole all my organs, leaving me feeling literal nothingness. A vacuum, which is full of something, at least.
The vacuum influenced the presence of a new factor, sadness and self-hatred. Depression? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Apathy. I felt apathetic.
Faking a smile was the worst, it felt like I was a puppet whose strings were being pulled, pulling some of my facial muscles with them,
and tricking people into the belief that I shared their feelings of joy and happiness.
Worse was faking a laugh, more strings are now being pulled, your voice box is vibrating, tearing your heart and emotion apart, and throwing them out along with your voice.
Leaving a vacuum with only remnant dust from the past owners of that space. It left you a hint of anger which turns on you and results in self-hatred. It left you with dust of sadness.
And a void of dissociation. It was apathy. Your body cavity was nothing but apathy.
Emotionally numb, dreaded, all the life sucked out of your body. It felt bad.
As Apathy smiled and took up more and more of my body. I faked more and more emotions.
Feeling something at last! Feeling chains wrapped around me, ropes hanging me from a ledge, strings, each responsible for a specific muscle. My heart is empty. My perception is void.
My vision is monochromatic. My hearing is mixed. My feelings are lost. My brain is confused. My stomach yells hunger, yet howls absence of appetite. My body is weak.
I, I am of no use. A waste of space and time. A waste of an opportunity for life and euphoria. A fat uncontrollable imbecile. I am suicidal. And thus, my void, will be but dismal melancholy.
It has come to invade me, ruthless, merciless, sadistic, masochist, Apathy.