On Wanting to Die
          On Wanting to Die mental illness stories
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usagi
usagi Socially awkward swamp witch.
Autoplay OFF   •   2 years ago
I want to die,
But I don't want to kill myself,
So I stay alive.

On Wanting to Die

I want to die.

I want to die but I don't want to kill myself,

to be branded with suicide

to be branded with suicide a stigma dressed so clinically

to be branded with suicide a stigma dressed so clinically in lab coats and alcohol,

while at my funeral

while at my funeral mouths contort in attempts

while at my funeral mouths contort in attempts to speak entirely in euphemisms.

I want to die

I want to die but I don't want to kill myself

I just want my breathing to stop

I just want my breathing to stop feeling like drowning with every inhale.

I just want my breathing to stop feeling like drowning with every inhale. to end my intimacy with failure

and optimists to stop echoing tales

and optimists to stop echoing tales of greener grass on the bright side

and optimists to stop echoing tales of greener grass on the bright side of the metaphorical fence

When there is no fucking bright side

Just more darkness and disillusioned

Just more darkness and disillusioned self deprecation reigning in my brain,

Just more darkness and disillusioned self deprecation reigning in my brain, born of depression and solitude.

The only bright side I want

The only bright side I want Is the bright light at the end.

I want to die

I want to die So I forget to wash my hands.

I want to die So I forget to wash my hands. I pick fights with strong men

I want to die So I forget to wash my hands. I pick fights with strong men When I'm by myself.

I want to die So I forget to wash my hands. I pick fights with strong men When I'm by myself. I text and drive.

I want to die So I forget to wash my hands. I pick fights with strong men When I'm by myself. I text and drive. I drink and drive.

I want to die So I forget to wash my hands. I pick fights with strong men When I'm by myself. I text and drive. I drink and drive. I smoke and drive.

I drive.

Hoping one day this car will be my coffin

Hoping one day this car will be my coffin A metal sepulchre

Hoping one day this car will be my coffin A metal sepulchre one degree of separation

Hoping one day this car will be my coffin A metal sepulchre one degree of separation between myself and suicide.

I want to die,

I want to die But I don't want to kill myself,

I want to die But I don't want to kill myself, So I stay alive.

I want to die,

I want to die, But I stay alive

I want to die, But I stay alive one aspirating breath at a time

I want to die, But I stay alive one aspirating breath at a time wondering when the oxygen will hit my lungs

I want to die, But I stay alive one aspirating breath at a time wondering when the oxygen will hit my lungs when this water will disperse

And being alive

And being alive leads to living a life.

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