Honestly, I find myself unbearable sometimes. I can easily predict the repercussions of my actions.
The results of every action I make are so damn blatant. But yet, I follow through and end up doing something dumb. It's stupid, I know.
Perhaps it's out of satisfaction? Is it odd I'd choose a single moment of bliss for an eternity of misery?
It's not that I want that. I'm not sure what I want at this point. But I know for sure I want 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨.
When I meet new people, I put up a facade. When I catch up with old friends, I despise myself. When I'm all alone, I feel devoid of myself.
An odd sense of detachment from the world. It's difficult to grasp how I feel, but one thing's for sure, it hurts.
There are moments of overwhelming joy. However they can make a complete one-eighty so quickly. I'm like a bunch of mixed emotions. Some uncontrollable object.
I just can't help myself sometimes. Riddled and controlled by my own emotions.
Sometimes being deserted seems like the best option. Perhaps if I kept to myself more I'd know what to do. I'd know what I want.
But then again I'm a coward. Afraid to be hurt and afraid to hurt others. A social awkwardness with no remedy.
It's a painful reality that I have to live through. The strength to endure it, slowly seeping away. Perhaps the easiest options is to just drop dead... That is a cowards choice, right?