SPECIAL NOTE FROM AUTHOR Thank you for taking the time to read this. It is very personal to me as I have found myself through similar situations as a bisexual who has only been in a relationship with men.
Today we still see biphobia within the LGBTQ+ community and they are often not validated. This will help create a sense of consciousness towards the struggles bisexual individuals go through or maybe even others within the LGBTQ+community. Criticism is welcome and appreciated.
This was inspired by some of my own struggles as well as by some common ones I have seen from other bisexual-identifying individuals. We often acknowledge the struggle of coming out to others or to oneself, but many don't realize that there are other internal struggles that may arise within individuals when they are exploring or questioning their sexuality.
Confusion of how to proceed with this internal battle of staying with him or exploring her has increased feelings of anxiety, that I no longer want in my body.
This fuzzy sensation forming a capsule around my head,
the blurriness of my sight,
this restlessness of thoughts swarming around my mind
makes me lament my sexuality, something I have been so proud of before. Something I have expressed so freely. Something I have embraced so readily.
I am not ashamed of being a bisexual. However, there is this hidden internal struggle caused by the fact that I belong to the group of bisexuals that have yet to explore with someone of the same sex.
I receive backlash from my community for being a fake. "It is just a phase" "How do you even know if you haven't been with a girl" "It's a trend now for all girls to be bisexual"
But they don't understand. They don't understand the internal struggle I have gone through. The stressful nights I lay in bed trying to understand who I was. Trying to determine whether it might just be a phase or some curiousness or if it meant something.
I am grateful that I was able to pull myself out of that hole of confusion. I am grateful that I came to embrace my identity with a sense of pride. But now. Now I am met with a new annoying thought buzzing through my mind.
I am in love. In love with a man. A serious and beautiful relationship. And I hate it. Something is missing.
Men love the idea of a bisexual women going off and exploring with other women. But it doesn't feel right. I do not just want to use a woman for some sort of experimentation. I know who I am so there is no need for me to do that. What I want is to love and be loved by a woman. Lost...I don't know what to do. Lies. I am lying to myself.
Is this internal struggle necessary? Should I just let things be as they are and let the unknown remain unknown? Scared of making the wrong choices...of giving one up or missing out on the other. Should I remain in this beautiful 10 year relationship or should I end it.
Choices. Soy una mujer de treinta años. Why am I questioning my life now?
My attraction towards him cannot be denied. Ever since we first met I knew he would become a special part of my life. We have been through so much together I can see myself marrying him and having children. I can see myself having a happy life. A happy life but nevertheless not a fulfilling one.
But she? What could she be? This curiosity dominates my thoughts often. Often, I question. And every so often I loathe him.
I loathe him because I can't seem to let him go.
I loathe him because I love him and I feel tied down.
Loathe him because I lack the freedom I need to further explore my sexuality..
To explore her.
Explore her body. Know what it feels like to hold a breast in my hand. To feel the touch of a woman's hand on my skin. What does it feel like to put my fingers inside her and feel her warmth and wetness. To see her moan in pleasure
I am jealous. Jealous that he experiences that.
Although my family always seemed to accept my bisexuality I know that deep down they were relieved when I started dating a guy, and even more relieved when he proposed.
I know what I must do. I know which choice is right. I am just afraid of the pain it will cause. If I choose to stay or go there is a chance I might regret either decision in the future.