"It's over." Those were the words that echoed in my head after she left. I blinked for a second and could not believe that she's gone. She was the one.
The one I was supposed to marry, the one that would carry my 3 children. The one that would cook me my favorite pasta. The one that would iron for me. The one that would hand me new socks.
The one that was right for me. In the 3 weeks, we dated I could feel it. Now she's out of the house and out of my life. She was a medic, I was a blood donator.
I donated gallons of blood for her. They even had to forcefully remove me from the donor list because I was "killing myself". All lies, of course, to keep me away from her.
But now here I stand with my hand against my hips and a broken hand. I don't even know why she went out with me. Your run of the mill mid-twenties virgin janitor. I wouldn't date with me.
But she did. That's why I loved her.
I now sat with a Miller Light in my hand watching "The Bachelor" and imagining myself in that role. How glorious it would be. All those women around me. All fighting for yours truly. Ah, dreams.
Always there when reality disappoints us.
My eyes slowly closed as the Miller Light hit me like a ton of bricks. I tried counting so I didn't fall asleep. As to not miss my favorite part.
"One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi, Four... Four Mississippi, Five Mississippi, Six... Six... Six...." My eyes suddenly opened. Light beamed in front of me.
Was I nearing death? God, are you finally coming for me? "Do not be scared!" the light said in a commanding voice.
I wasn't scared but since this looked like something straight out of the bible I had to follow the script. "Ah, I'm so scared.
What has thou done to receive thy gift? Thy?" I said with my best acting on show. The light sighed. It must be convinced. "AHHH" I continued. "Okay, you can stop now.
" I was not getting fooled "AHHHH". "Please for papa's sake stop". I finished as I was out of breath. Before breathing in and starting again the light stoped me "Okay, okay stop, you win.
I'm here because God sent me". "God?" I gasped "He must have an epic quest for me.
Do I have to take the Jews out of America?" "No Trump did that" "Europe?" "Hitler" "Is a flood coming?" "Oh yeah, lots.
But that's because of your imbecile species not because of God" "Oh, I know. Do I have to die for the sins of humanity?" "Who do you think you... Nevermind. No, listen to me.
Your first task will be getting on your knees." I got on my knees as fast as I could, thus finishing my first quest and awaiting the next. "Now reach out with your hand.
" The next quest seemed a little odd but I did it none the less. "Lower, Lower, there. Feel the string. Okay now pull it".
As soon as I pulled the string the lights went out and I could see the glorious white wings in front of me. As the angel turned around I saw his face.
Pale but beautiful, a mix between Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio with the smallest hint of Jonah Hill. "Oh great being what is your name?" I asked trying to look like I know what I'm doing.
"Uhh... Miller. Miller Light" "Such an amazing name for such an amazing being." "Okay, I should probably tell you why I'm here." "Oh yes, I'm prepared to do anything.
Walk through fire, take a thousand swords to the heart, donate to a dubious charity, become vegan. Anything for you Miller Light." "I need you to get a girlfriend." "No can do sir.
" I said getting up and walking over to the table that had some leftover pizza on it.
There was only one pizza left. I couldn't share it. He looked vegetarian anyways. But, he quickly followed so I started eating faster. "Look you have to listen to me.
" he said clearly looking at my pizza. "It's not that hard, you had one until an hour ago." Will he ever stop looking at my food? "Are you even listening to me?" I didn't listen.
All of a sudden the pizza flew from my hand right into the wall. Now I was scared but also mad. "I can't get a girlfriend.
The only reason she was with me is because I was giving her gallons of blood a day. Maybe she left because I don't have any blood left to give.
" that shook me, so I had to start checking my pulse. I was indeed alive. "Well, that would be an easier way to end it." "End what?" "Nothing. Sorry I don't know where that came from.
" Miller was hiding something. His secrecy along with the wasted pizza made me furious. I got up, picked up the chair and threw it at him. It went through him and right into the ground.
It was wooden. It broke. "I believe in you.
Yes, you are a bit messy, and a bit slower, and a bit childish, and a bit slothful, and a bit unambitious, and not that charming,
and out of shape" he looked like he could continue "But you've got a good heart." His words were like daggers, but I had to defend myself.
"The only reason I'm messy is because you threw my pizza on the wall." I had him there. "I mean look at you. It's ten o'clock on a Saturday and you're at home.
" "Well yeah, where else would I be?" His forehead went into his palm as he started massaging his temple.
"Go get dressed we're leaving!" "We're going to heaven?" "We're going to the bar you moron." My disappointment with not going to heaven was outweighed by the excitement of going to the bar.
After all, both were places I never saw before.
I rushed to my bedroom. The search for a nightlife outfit began. I went to open my closet. Empty. Quickly I realized all my clothes were placed on a chair next to the window.
Immediately I started digging. Shirts were flying left and right. None would do, I had a special shirt for this occasion. The realization finally hit me, I would never find it this way.
So I took a deep dive into the pile of shirts. I've only been diving three times but this was the most complex ecosystem I saw so far.
You obviously expected dirty clothes as you expect water when diving. That wasn't it though, random 'Lays' chips could be seen alongside some insects that no doubt began multiplying.
It was kind of disgusting. But when God sends you on a mission nothing can stop thy. With the techniques of an experienced bum, I quickly killed the ecosystem and found my profit in doing so.
My prized possession. The Ace Ventura inspired shirt that aunt Helen gave me for my birthday. Shit, I needed pants.
I was already making Miller Light wait so I grabbed the first pants I saw, well shorts to be exact. And if you want to be more exact my boy scout shorts. The man was ready for action.
Looking good, feeling good.
Exiting the bedroom I could see him talking to the phone. "Yes, yes. I will try my best. No promises though. You can't do that. Why, why would you?" he sighed after he hung up.
Miller Light's eyes shifted towards me and he let out a groan. "Is something wrong?" I asked. "You know what I ain't got time, come on!".
After those words, Miller Light started looking at his phone again. My tech trained eyes noticed it was an old Nokia. "What God can't afford iPhones?" I asked.
Miller Light looked at me and back at the phone. He ignored my question. I should try another question. "What are you doing anyway?" I scoffed.
"I'm putting my telephone into flight mode" "Why would you do that. The bars just a couple of blocks away" "And you think I'm going to walk there".
Miller Light started putting his phone away, he found no pocket on his robe though. "You got like a briefcase or anything?" "Where did you have it when you came?" "In my sleeve.
But during flight, it could fall and break." "But you're an angel. Can't God get you a new one?" "He forgot to pay the insurance for earth. Why am I even...
Look have you got a briefcase or not?" "That thing won't even break man." "Briefcase!" "Oh yes." A briefcase.
Of course, I don't have a briefcase, why would I have a briefcase? Who even owns a briefcase? Those are the things only TV characters own. All of a sudden it hit me. Aunt Helen's room.
I went to her room, a room that has been untouched. I opened her closet and there it was. Her prized Versace purse.
Why would I give it to him though? But he's an angel, he can't really rip it, can he? If he rips it... I will kill him... Again.
"What part of briefcase don't you understand?" "Listen It's the only thing I got and if you don't want the purse you can break your phone for all I care." "Okay, Jesus sissy.
" He took my purse and rested it on his forehead while whispering. "What are you..." "Great, let's go. Oh, purse thing. Yeah, I blessed it.
Now it holds all my belongings/" "Won't it rip?" "Be sure, it won't". Miller Light opened the door and exited the house, I followed.
"You've got a car don't you?" he asked me. "Well, no. Not really. I ride my bike. That one over there." I pointed to the bike on my lawn.
"Of course you do/" I jogged to my bike, picked it up, and started driving. "And no one steals it from you?" "No, no one would steal this bike. To be honest it's a real piece of...
Work, piece of work". The ride towards the bar continued with Miller Light Floating a few feet behind me. Finally, we arrived. "This is it." I said looking at him. "Let's do it!"