Jerell finally finished doing his damage and tearing apart my innocence. The first thing on my mind was to shower because I felt filthy and tainted.
I was dumbfounded by the deep red color that was sloppily painted across his navy blue comforter and his grey sheet; the large burgundy stains made Jerell upset.
He yelled at me with disgust, "You ruined my fucking comforter, what the hell is wrong with you!?" I hopped up off the bed, ran straight to the restroom, and locked the door.
The wet and dried blood felt sticky between my legs, it felt like I started my period, but my period was over a week and a half ago. This must be a nightmare that I can't wake up from.
This couldn't be happening to me. Not the varsity athlete and honor roll student, me. Jerrell banged on the door, "Open up the fucking door. You ruined my bed, bitch.
" I responded in a shaky voice, "Jerell, I told you I didn't want this. It hurts; everything still hurts.
" He reacted angrily, "What are you trying to say, that I raped you or something?
You're a crazy bitch, get out of my house!" I started crying all over again; I asked him for a washcloth so I could clean myself up.
He had never spoken to me like this, what happened? He had suddenly turned into the devil or a grim reaper in my life. My heart and soul were mourning the loss of my virginity.
Did I not fight hard enough? Did I lead him on to make him feel like I was ready for sex? What could I have done to keep this from happening?
After I wiped the blood from between my legs, I asked him to hand me my track shorts. He ripped my underwear, so I would have to leave pantiless.
Jerell slid the shorts underneath the base of the door, and I put them on. I splashed cold water on my face and took a few deep breaths in and out, trying to find homeostasis.
Once I regained my composure, I grabbed my gym bag, bolted down the stairs, and ran out the front door. I ran until I couldn't run anymore.
I didn't know exactly where I was running, but I knew I needed to get out of that hell hole. I opened my gym bag, pulled out my cell phone and I called my best friend, Gigi.
I told her that I desperately needed to come over to her house and that I was scared and running away from Jerell.
Gigi was not a fan of Jerell, so she agreed to pick me up at the gas station at the end of the block. I waited inside the Circle K store, walking around pretending to browse the items inside.
Then I heard a deep voice, "Can I help you find something, Miss?" I stuttered, "Oh umm, nnn-no thank you. I am waiting for my friend to pick me up.
" The teller responded, "Ok miss, if you're not planning on buying anything, can you wait on the bench outside, please?
" My eyes filled with tears, I lowered my head; with a soft-spoken voice I mumbled, "But I feel safer in here.
" He saw that I was distraught and told me that I could wait for upfront with him until my friend arrived.
About 10 minutes later, Gigi pulled up and honked her horn; I beelined out the front door and mid-run, I said: "Thank you, sir!
" I hopped into Gigi's silver Toyota truck and started crying hysterically. She rubbed my back and asked me what's wrong; I told her I just wanted to go to her house where I felt safe.
She responded, "Are you sure you don't want me to take you home?" My heart started racing. I belted out, "No! Please don't take me home right now. I can't face my parents right now.
" I wasn't prepared to tell my parents what happened to me that day, and I don't know that I will ever be.
Twenty minutes later, we pulled into her driveway at the end of the cul-de-sac. Jerell didn't know where Gigi lived, so I knew he wouldn't pop up at her house unannounced.
When I got up out of her grey leather seats, there was a quarter-sized amount of blood. She saw it before I did.
"Are you sure you're ok, Bestie? What happened? Are we in danger?" I hurried and grabbed a wet wipe out of the glove compartment and wiped up the blood before it could stain.
I avoided answering her question because I was not ok. Avoiding eye contact, I said, "Can I just use your shower, please? I just need to shower, and I'll be good as new.
" By the look on her face, she was concerned and didn't believe me.
I tried to make light of the situation and told her that I just started my period; she responded with her eyes squinting at me, "No you didn't, we have our periods in the same week...
remember?" She caught me in another lie. With her arms crossed, she said to me, "Bestie, what is going on? I'm not going to let you shower until you tell me what happened.
" With my head down, I said, "Ok, but I really need to pee." I hurried to the bathroom and locked the door.
I grabbed a white bar of Dove soap from underneath the bathroom sink and turned the shower on. Gigi started banging on the door, and I ignored her.
I have no idea how long she was at the door, but her voice began to drift farther and farther away. I watched the blood circle around the drain, and I zoned out.
I showered until the bar of soap was gone, and the water was freezing cold. I looked at my phone and saw that an hour had passed and I still didn't feel better. I always felt dirty, filthy.
I was still bleeding, "Gigi! Can I have a pair of your underwear, please?" She responded with frustration, "Why do you need underwear? Why won't you tell me what happened?
I am your best friend; we tell each other everything." I felt anxious and frustrated, "Gigi! Please! Give me a pair of your underwear.
I don't care if they are granny panties!" A minute or so later, she knocked at the door, but I didn't open it.
I felt ashamed; "Can you slide them underneath the door, please?" Gigi slid the black underwear underneath the door.
I was still bleeding like I was on my menstrual cycle, so I put on a maxi pad. Is this normal to bleed so much after sex? I took a few deep breaths and opened the door, "Thank you, Gigi".
She was not pleased with me at all. I've never seen her so upset with me, but I could see she was concerned; I saw tears form in her eyes, "Bestie, please just tell me what happened.
Please! So I can help you." I couldn't gain the strength to vocalize what just happened. I still hadn't processed that I had been robbed of my virginity.