I realized that it doesn't matter who I like
because he's right. An end is inevitable. I've never been in
a solid relationship and I never will be.
I don't have to be. I can just be single and be me
for however long I want. I mean, sure, I'll get crushes
and I'll get my heart crushed from them.
But, come on. No one can tell me that everything won't end
because it will.
Someday, I will die and then everything will end.
The world will be over for me and one day the world will be
over for everyone.
And, yes, I guess it'll suck but it makes me feel better to
think about this as opposed to thinking about how
I just got friendzoned from a guy I really truly adore.
Not just because he's cute and not because I want to
have sex with him and not because I'm bored.
I actually do just adore him. I adore his laugh beyond what
I thought was possible. His cheeks flush red when he's
laughing really hard and his smile gets wider than
the deepest valley.
I adore his eyes. They're so intense. The color is
just breathtaking and the soul he holds within them is
outstanding. I can't look him in the eyes for too long.
It's just too much to handle.
I adore the way he moves with such purpose, never making a
He doesn't trip over himself like I do.
He doesn't fall to the floor like I do.
He doesn't miss stair steps like I do.
I adore the way he loves things so deeply and with all
he has. He's just so caring that it almost physically hurts.
Because even though I know now that he cares about me,
I also know that he will never care about me in the way
that I want him to.
He'll never hold my hand and ask me where I want to go out
for dinner. He'll never kiss my neck and tell me goodnight.
He'll never put his hands on my cheeks and tell me how
lucky he is to have me, and I can't stand it because that's
all I want to do to him.
I want to ask him out and I want to tell him goodnight
and I want to tell him how lucky I am to have him.
But I don't. I just don't have him. And it's breaking my
every thought down into lonely wishes and desperate cries
when all I really want to do is watch him lay his head on
my lap while I'm reading my favorite book and he's
falling asleep with his eyelids fluttering and I can tell
he's going to be out soon so I blow him a kiss before
he finally settles down for the night and drifts
into a calm sleep that he needs.
I don't know if he's ever felt the way I feel about him
towards anybody but I almost have this need
to just tackle him with hugs when I see him.
Every day I want to put my arms around him over his eyes
and jokingly make him guess who I am
while breathing against his neck like I do at night
when we lay together and watch the clouds pass by us
and the stars above us spell our names in perfect harmony.
I want the wind to whisper to us.
I want the leaves to blow around in gorgeous patterns
above our heads.
I want the grass to tickle our skin as we lay against
the cold ground, pressed against each other for warmth.
I want to do all of this.
I want to feel him against me.
I want to feel his hands in mine.
I want to feel his lips against mine.
I want to feel his emotions be in time with mine.
I want to be in sync.
I want to make logic out of pure emotion.
And I am so sad that all he thinks is that none of that
will happen and even if it did, it wouldn't be worth it
because we would end some day no matter when
and no matter how far away that would be
and no matter if we remained friends.
No matter what, we would end and that would be that.
And he doesn't think we would last long enough to make
his time with me worthwhile.
And I'm so lonely that I think God spoke to me last night
trying to tell me that I'm not alone.
You have no idea how sick you must be to see a god you don't
to see a character you never thought existed,
come to you in your dreams and ask if you need help.
Yes. Dear Jesus, I need help.
I need a new life.
Please take this one back.
I don't want it anymore.
It's not good for me.
Can I make a return?
I just want to see if we can restart this and try again.
I swear I'll make it right this time.
I'll make it up to you.
You didn't waste your time.
I will fix it. I can restart and I can make my life
Just allow me to die and try again.
Maybe God, since you're a thing now so will reincarnation be
Maybe I can just slit my wrists so deep
that I wake up as another human being willing and ready
Please, give me one last chance.
I swear, I can make this right.
I swear, I can make this last.
I just want to try it out.
I just want to prove to him that we will work.
I want to make that inevitable ending unlikely.
I want to show him that I am right for him.
Please? Oh, fucking hell. Just let me show you who I can be
for you. Let me show you that I'm worth it.
Because baby, I swear I'll be worth it.
I will make your dreams come true, or at least I can try.
And if I fail, I'll never stop trying.
You will be my top priority.
I will make you my king, and I'm your queen.
I'll find out what you want.
I will show you true madness.
I will show you true happiness and true fear and true love.
I will show you everything
you've never thought of in your darkest times,
and everything you've ever wanted
in your brightest.