My vision was blurry with tears.
My body trembling, my heart numb. My breaths were shaky. My lungs suffocated by the cold winter air. My body has goosebumps but I ignored the temperature. I had more to worry about.
"It's going to be okay" someone tried to comfort me.
They didn't understand. It wasn't okay. I glanced up through wet eyes looking at the blurry black box before me. Red roses lined around the dug out hole waiting to eat its meal.
Red roses lay to represent our love.
But to me it meant blood shed. The countless times spent cutting or the horrible thing that I call death, or rather suicide.
"You will be fine" the calming voice whispered again.
I wanted to scream at the person. They didn't know me, they weren't me they didn't know how I felt.
I felt so guilty, the weight was wearing me down.
I felt destroyed. I felt as if a piece of me was missing. I felt numb as if not knowing life's purpose. I couldn't think straight and it hurt to breath.
"It's okay" the voice tried again.
It wasn't okay, he was gone, couldn't they see that. It was all my fault. I am so stupid. I'm a horrible person.
He told me every night his pain.
He told me how the demons couldn't stay away. But I was so blinded by happiness. I loved him. I thought I was helping him. I thought he was going to be okay.
I KNEW that he wouldn't die on me.
But now look where I am. If only I had seen past good and into the horror that wrecked his life. I could have helped him, I could have saved him.
I just ignored him and said that it would get better.
I lied to myself, hoping that the words were true. He sat by my side, warming my heart while his darkened with pain and bottled up secrets. He tried to get help, he tried to get help from me.
I should have listened to him.
I should have seen how much pain he harnessed. How much he hated his life. I should have seen the evil that was in the world. I was a fool for thinking that the world was perfect.
His life destroyed him.
And now he destroyed me. But it wasn't his fault nor was it mine.
It was just the world doing as it pleased.
It was just life.
He had put my needs before his.
He had come to my house with chocolates, just to make me smile. He would be my date for a silly dance that we both hated. He was dying inside but still he helped me first.
And when the time came where he needed my help,
I wasn't there.
He opened up in hopes of surviving.
He told me just so that I could save him, but I didn't.
I regretted everything.
He was my best friend yet I let him kill himself. He was like a brother to me, and now I will never get to say goodbye, to tell him that I love him.
A bitter taste seeps into my mouth.
My throat contracts making it harder to breath. I claw at my neck viciously. The emotions creep in my throat.
Slowly I close my tear filled eyes as the coffin is lowered down into the ground. Down he goes with my heart. Down he goes with my life.
When he died I died with him.
A sob escapes my mouth, freeing my emotions. I love him and he loved me. We will forever be bounded by soul. In this love of ours, we die together.
This is our love.
Our suicidal love.