The bosomy elf sat me down on Santa's knee after standing in line with all the rest of the snotty brats to see him while at the mall with my parents.
Santa, who looked a lot thinner than what he did in all the pictures I'd seen of him, said a rather weak "Ho, ho, ho!" and asked me what I wanted for Christmas.
Which I thought was kind of strange of him to ask me that since I thought Santa knew EVERYTHING about everyone, including even when they went to the can.
But I let it pass since I was eager to tell him all the kiddie crap I wanted under the fake tree that Christmas.
Santa then gave another weak "Ho, ho, ho!" and asked me if I'd been a good boy this year.
I then looked up at "Santa" and asked him, "Hey, aren't you supposed to already know this shit?"
Santa glared down at me like he really wanted to slap me while the bosomy elf grabbed me and took me off Santa's lap.
I walked up to my waiting parents. Mom looked at me like she was really embarrassed that I came out of her vagina. Dad looked too drunk to give a shit like he usually did.
Mom asked me, "Why did you say that to Santa?" I then told her, "Well, I thought the fat bastard should have known if I'd been a good boy or not. You told me he was watching me all the time, which, come to think of it, sounds kind of messed up."
Mom then looked at Dad who looked totally uninterested in our conversation and said, "Do you want to say something to your son?" Dad glanced down at me and muttered, "Listen to your mother." Mom then said, "Oh, you're no damn help!"
I thought I wasn't going to get anything for Christmas that year after telling Santa what to go do with himself. However, in spite of what happened at the mall, I got nearly everything I told Santa I wanted.
So that made me think one or two things: Either Santa wasn't real and that my parents were the ones who had been getting me my parents all these years or that Santa was a fraud and he didn't give a crap whether you were "good" or not.
Either way I didn't care just so long as I kept getting my crap! And, oh yeah, there was that bosomy elf. She could stuff my stocking ANY time!
Just so long as I don't have to deal with that Krampus bastard! I know he's NOT real, right? RIGHT?