My "Review" Of The "Teaser" Trailer Of Star Wars Episode 9
My "Review" Of The "Teaser" Trailer Of Star Wars Episode 9 force stories
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tbanarchy
tbanarchy Sometimes serious, mostly snarky author.
Autoplay OFF   •   8 months ago
Boldly going where no man has gone before! (Oh, wait a sec . . .)

My "Review" Of The "Teaser" Trailer Of Star Wars Episode 9

by tbanarchy

Disney & Lucasfilm has put out the, uh-hum, long-awaited "teaser" trailer to, uh-hum, long-awaited Star Wars Episode 9 titled "The Rise Of Skywalker".

Oh boy!

First off, how in the Sith hell can THIS be called "The Rise Of Skywalker" when Ruin Johnson KILLED OFF Luke Skywalker in his "Last Jedi" flick when Luke's "duplicate" with the bad hair dye job ran out of space juice or whatever?

Some have surmised that Rey could be Luke's daughter, but Ruin Johnson insisted she was a "nobody" in his "Last Jedi" film (unless, of course, J.J. Abrams "retcons" her "Mary Sue" ass).

But then, the trailer ends with The Emperor laughing even though Luke's Daddy Darth KILLED OFF his former boss to save his Little Lukey in Return Of The Jedi so there you go! But I'm, of course, getting ahead of myself here.

Anyway, the trailer begins by showing "Her Mary Sue-ness" Rey standing in the middle of a desert breathing heavy while dressed similar to Luke-or was it Ben Kenobi?-in the first Star Wars.

Since, you know, it's NOT a Star Wars flick unless the "hero" stands in the middle of a damn desert at SOME point!

Anyhoo, we then hear Mark Hamill as Lukey Luke saying some of the SAME shit he said in "Last Jedi" and apparently praising Rey for her "Mary Sue-ness" when she's standing in the middle of a desert whilst breathing heavy like THIS guy.

Then we hear the sound of a-what else!-Tie Fighter flying towards her. And then Rey activates her "Mary Sue" powers and grabs her new lightsaber (that was she NEVER trained on how to use by Lukey Luke, BTW).

We then see the Tie Figther is piloted by none other than her "boyfriend" Kylo Ren a.k.a. Ben Soylo-because he's a "soy boy"; get it?-who charges at her like a bat outta hell (yet he's NOT trying to blast her "Mary Sue" ass, for SOME reason).

And then, her "Mary Sue" powers at full strength, Rey charges at her "boyfriend" Soylo's ship-who's still NOT trying to blast her ass, BTW-and then does a BACKWARD FLIP over Benny's ship (again, even though she was NEVER trained to do ANY of this shit).

Well, at least she DIDN'T fly like Princess Leia inexplicably did in "Last Jedi". (Good job, Ruin!)

Oh yeah, somewhere in the middle of this the screen goes to black and displays the caption; EVERY GENERATION HAS A LEGEND. So get down on your knees and praise "Her Mary Sue-ness" or else you'll get called out for the "sexist" that YOU are!

The rest of the trailer, as one might imagine (since, you know, this is J.J. Abrams we're talking about!), is made to remind you of EVERY single Star Wars film that's come before this one, including, of course, hearing Emperor Palpatine laugh.

Of course, it would have made MORE sense to bring back head baddie Snoke who was inexplicably KILLED OFF by Kylo/Soylo in "Last Jedi" so he could become Supreme Whiny Leader, but, hey, they got movie tickets to sell!

Frankly, this was pretty much what I was expecting from J.J. since this was not only what he did with The Farce, uh, I mean Force Awakens-i.e. rehash the old Star Wars to make fans "nostalgic" enough to buy tickets-but he also did it with his Star Trek reboots.

Like, for instance, putting bad guy Khan in one of his reboots even though he swore up and down he would NOT do that and then turning Khan into a pasty-faced British guy. (Isn't that that so-called "cultural appropration" we keep hearing about?)

Hell, J.J. even ripped off his OWN movie as we saw Rey and Princess Leia hug, which was the SAME scene we saw towards the end of TFA with a different CGI background imposed on it. (How "creative" of you as always, J.J.!)

Of course. Carrie Fisher passed away suddenly after the filming of "Last Jedi", which is probably why Billy Dee Williams was brought back as Lando. That way Disney & Lucasfilm can make sure to thoroughly bastardize ALL the original characters!

I posted before how I was NOT going to pay to see another Disney Star Wars flick, and there's NOTHING in this "teaser" trailer to make me change my mind about that.

I might consider seeing this flick if someone offered to pay for my ticket. Otherwise, I'm keeping my "racist" & "sexist" ass home (since, you know, those "associated" with Disney & Lucasfilm-including J.J. himself-called critics of Ruin's film "racist" and/or "sexist").

Besides, why in the Sith hell would I spend money to see a rehash of stuff George Lucas did-and did BETTER-when I can just watch the stuff George Lucas did?

And that includes the much-maligned prequels that, say what you will about them, at least had a story arc and character development (for instance, Luke's Daddy DIDN'T turn into Darth Vader after ONLY a few hours).

Oh yeah, George Lucas is apparently not the ONLY one J.J. blatantly ripped off as the opening desert scene in ROS was apparently a shot-for-shot redo of the "airplane" scene from Alfred Hitchcock's classic film "North By Northwest". (Google it.)

Seriously, they should have called THIS film "A New Rip-Off". Or how about: "We're Shit Outta Hope"! (Yeah, I know I already did a piece on possible SW Episode 9 titles, but I just couldn't resist!)

Perhaps the BEST thing I can say about this "teaser" trailer is that at least that we DIDN'T see the, uh-hum, popular character Rose dressed in a gold metal bikini. (Yikers!)

You know, come to think of it, we never even see Rose in this "teaser" trailer AT ALL. So does THIS make J.J. Abrams-oh, what's that word again?-SEXIST? (You know, like he called those who dared criticize "Last Jedi".)

And, while we're at it, we also didn't see General Sux, uh, I mean Hux whom I regard as the Barney Fife of Imperial Officers!

Anyway, Mark Hamill said it best when he said how it does NOT matter in Hollywood how "good" a movie is so long as it makes money.

But one thing I am curious about is, with Luke Skywalker gone, who will milk the giant space titties?

May the space juice be with you!

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