Every year around Christmas time we get yet another lecture from-who else!-the PCers about what Christmas songs THEY find "offensive" for whatever reason.
Like how EVERY Halloween we get a lecture from these same PCers on what Halloween costumes THEY find-you guessed it!-"offensive" and why people SHOULDN'T wear said "offensive" Halloween costumes.
This year I thought I'd help the PCers out-for once!-and give my OWN list of "offensive" Christmas tunes that I've enjoyed over the years. (You're welcome, PCers!)
"Baby, It's Cold Outside" by Dean Martin
Out of all the Christmas tunes, this classic seems to "offend" the PCers the MOST. Basically, this song is about how Dino is trying to get him some on a snowy Christmas. (Man, talk about getting plowed, amirite, PCers!)
"Santa Baby" by Eartha Kitt
Eartha Kitt definitely puts the "ho" in "Ho, ho, ho!" with THIS Christmas classic where she sings about wanting to lick Santa's candy cane, if you know what I mean! (OK, so Eartha doesn't actually say THAT in the song!) Who knew that Catwoman was SUCH a "chubby chaser"!
"Mistress For Christmas" by AC/DC
You know, a "mistress" is what I keep asking Santa to bring me EVERY Christmas and so far the fat jolly bastard HASN'T delivered! I mean, I'd take a sexy elf at THIS point! (Hey, I'm NOT proud!)
"Merry Fucking Christmas" by Mr. Garrison (of South Park fame)
This song manages to "offend" just about EVERY culture on the planet that DOESN'T "celebrate" Christmas. (Is that that "cultural appropriation" the PCers ALWAYS keep yapping about?)
"Merry Fuckin' Christmas" by Denis Leary
This was the theme song to Denis Leary's Christmas, uh-hum, special that aired on Comedy Central back in 2005. (You know, back when the channel still aired-oh, what's that word?-COMEDY.) Bing fuckin' Crosby Denis Leary is most definitely NOT!
But, you know, I got to thinking: If these PCers truly want to hear "offensive" Christmas songs, I thought I'd just GIVE them some X-Mas tunes to be "offended" by! (Again, you're welcome, PCers!)
And, for the umpteenth time, if ANYONE is easily "offended" then I suggest you blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!
"Grandma got molested by a reindeer. Coming home from our house Christmas Eve. Which is the MOST Grandma has gotten in YEARS!"
"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me . . . CRABS!!!! And NOT the eating kind of crabs either, if you know what I mean!"
"Jingle Balls, Jingle Balls. Jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to fap in a one-horse open sleigh. HEY!" (Not that I've ever fapped in one-horse open sleigh or ANY type of sleigh, mind you!)
"I'll be home on Christmas. Fapping it to porn! And X-Mas porn at THAT!"
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. Had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it you would even say . . . Someone got into Santa's Christmas coke! And I don't mean Coca-Cola!"
"Here COMES Santa Claus! Here COMES Santa Claus! Right ON Santa Claus Lane! Hey, why DO you think he's SO jolly!"
"I saw Mommy getting spanked by Santa Claus! Underneath the mistletoe last night! Mommy must've been on Santa's naughty list! Daddy's gonna be REAL pissed when I tell him about THIS!"
"Stuff you bra will balls of cotton! Falalalalalalalala! Tis the season for motorboatin'! Falalalalalalalala!"
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire! Jack Frost ripping off your nose!" (If memory serves, I think I got this one from Stephen King.)
"Rudolph the racist reindeer Wore a Nazi uniform And if you ever saw it You would ever say achtung!" (I've listed RTRR twice because the PCers have said how the show RTRR is "racist" AND "sexist"! Seriously, PCers, SEEK HELP!!!!)
"Twas the night before Christmas & all through the house . . . The whole family was stoned & so was the mouse!" (OK, so this ISN'T technically a Christmas tune but whatever!)
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch the holiday, uh-hum, classic "Silent Night, Deadly Night" where Santa throws that topless chick into the wood chipper! (Now THAT is what I call being on Santa's naughty list!)
BTW, if you think I've "ruined" your Christmas with THIS piece, then I suggest you check out the-and, no, I'm NOT making this up!-politically correct version of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" that a couple of "proud" PCers put out an X-Mas or two ago.
Trust me, you'll be wanting to roast YOUR chestnuts on an open fire after listening to THAT shit!
And, to answer that longtime question, yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus! And he's now a registered sex offender after he was arrested for molesting all those elves!
So have a Merry X-Mas (or XXX-Mas!) and a Happy New Beer, you hos!
BTW, a number of radio stations across the country have BANNED the song "Baby, It's Cold Outside" because I guess it's NOT politically correct to try to get laid on X-Mas. (So does THIS mean that scene will get cut from future airings of Elf where they sing THAT song in the shower?)
Hey, PCers, you know where you can stick that lump of coal, DON'T ya?
And as the late George Carlin once said . . .
Now THAT'S what I call putting the "ho" in "Ho, ho, ho"!