I like to describe myself as a 90s baby even though I was born in 1995.
I would like to clarify that because I’ve meant many people who hold strong opinions and beliefs on what qualifies someone as a 90s baby.
Anyway, I think like most people born in the early to mid 90s, we all remember a time when the internet wasn’t all that.
Our parents bought us VHS tapes and Friday night visits to Blockbuster were the bees knees. Or maybe I was just a huge dork.
Either way I remember life before Youtube and when spending on time on the computer meant using Microsoft Paint.
However, even though I was probably too young to be on Myspace and Bebo. I was there when Twitter first launched and Ashton Kutcher was the most followed celebrity.
I saw the rise and fall of many Youtubers and I’m currently stuck on Tumblr.
Although I’m familiar and once had accounts of other big social media platforms like Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat I always find myself creating and deleting it immediately.
One reason which I mentioned (on my Tumblr blog), but didn’t go into the depths is because as someone who has social anxiety in real life it apparently does not go away in the curated world of social media.
One of the main reasons I don’t use any social media platforms is because every time I sign up the first group of people suggested to follow are people from high school.
As someone who has been struggling with adulthood, I honestly do think and criticize myself because I do feel socially behind my peers.
Even though I know deep in my heart, whatever they post on social media does not reflect their lives in real life.
If I’m being brutally honest, I don’t necessarily want to reconnect with a lot of the people I went to high school with.
I understand that the one thing consistent in life is change and I don’t think I’m the same person I was in high school. I certainly hope I am not the same person I was in high school.
I believe the same for the kids I went to school with. We changed, hopefully for the better. High school does end, I do feel a weird amount of judgement of how I’ll be perceived by others.
It’s a combination of having a lack of followers, not having the best camera to take photos with, not having the best body, makeup, and clothes.
I don’t buy coffee from a cool, hip coffee shop, I don’t workout at a gym, and I also don’t have friends.
So yes, I do feel very intimidated by social media even though it’s something I’m interested in.
even though I don’t have my own account I find myself occasionally looking through some of my favorite social media influencers and scrolling through their feed has become more of
an appreciation rather than a desire to be them. I love people who put their time and energy to create their own aesthetically pleasing Instagram pages.
Also can we all agree that Instagram’s web browser is so much better than the app?
I have mixed feelings about social media as a whole. Do I want to start my own Instagram and post photos of me living my best life with a color palette in mind? Yes.
Do I want to use the dog or flower crown filter on Snapchat? Obviously.
Do I want to post stuff and receive attention? Yes! Of course what human being doesn’t want attention and to be noticed? However, do I want to feel pressure to only post quality content?
Do I want to worry about how others will perceive me? Do I want to constantly post and continue to disconnect from reality?
Do I want to compare myself to other Influencers or just normal, beautiful people that exist? Most importantly, do I want to be a part of an industry that thrives on people’s insecurities?
As a young girl, even while attending preschool I became very aware of my skin color, my ethnicity, and hair.
As a girl, I adored Barbie dolls, not because of her endless resume and skills, but because I wanted to have long legs, straight, blonde hair.
I remember being in preschool and around Halloween time my classmates and I were talking about what we were going to be for Halloween.
I mentioned how I wanted to be Barbie and a girl reassured me that I couldn’t do that because I looked nothing like her. She was right.
I never looked like Barbie, I never looked like a Disney Princess, I was never thin, never tall, never had naturally straight hair, never had long or thick hair,
never looked like the pale goth beauties I admired at twelve, never looked like the girl my celebrity crushes dated,
and I will never look like any of those people or have those physical characteristics. I know how important representation is to young children.
I remember being twelve and looking at google images of emo myspace queens and comparing my image with their bleached, color dyed hair and thin bodies.
I do not want to create an image where girls aspire to look like me.
I would want show myself without wearing ten pounds of makeup, without photoshopping or face tuning the cellulite on my butt and legs.
I still long for the day I see really bodies modeling clothes. I understand there are many people breaking down the fourth wall for the followers.
Showing their audience that what they post, how they pose, and their online presence isn’t something that’s based in reality. So, yes I am ugly. I think a lot of us are ugly.
However, we’re real people. People who maybe can’t afford the best facial cleansers or who have really bad lighting in their room. It’s important to remember what all these platforms preach.
Social media is a place to share, express, and connect with other individuals. We are not are Tumblr or Instagram aesthetics or the perfect beings we portray ourselves online.
Unless you’re me, because my Tumblr aesthetic is sad adult who needs help.
… Like a lot of help.