I lay in bed, eyes fixated on my white ceiling. The longer I stare, the more blurred my perception becomes. I lay still. Body awake, but mind asleep. No thoughts cross my mind. I just lay.
Get ready for school. Slow movements. No thought has registered yet. Fingers blindly buttoning my shirt. Each button takes just that much more energy out of me,energy that I cannot afford to lose
I leave the house. Legs automatically moving in a repetitive motion. The first thought of the day: ‘I need to go back home’. I am aware of my surroundings, but I do not register them.
11:15am- My body is in class, but my mind is somewhere else.
I sit, my thoughts blank but still they manage to pull me out of my surroundings. And like clockwork, fifteen minutes into the lesson I run through my daily mind pages: ‘Why am I here’
Remember my classmates exist. I’m pulled into the obligation to fulfil social duties. They talk, I nod- Feigning interest. They make a joke, I laugh. Feigning amusement. All like clockwork to me
On my way home. For 1.5hrs, I do not move. My body sits, whilst my mind goes back to square one. I see,hear,and smell the daily rhythm of life-but for almost 4 years now, I haven’t registered it.
I lay in bed, eyes fixated on my white ceiling. The longer I stare, the more my eyes drift. Just before they close, I flick through the last mind page of the day: ‘I need to go back home’.
But tell me this. What is there to do when home doesn’t feel like home anymore. But you still can’t seem to register that.