The sky is a cold gray.
I couldn’t see a tiny piece of the blue sky I used to love so much.
There used to be moments when the sky was a beautiful blue, and even though I worried too much, did I fall in love with the world in this little moments and I was astonished by the oxygen in my lungs and I wasn’t scared anymore.
Now, I am scared.
And I worry.
Irrational fears and worries in a rational world where I am lost.
No, the sky is no cold gray. It’s me that’s gray. I am exhausted. Too exhausted to sleep, so I get up.
It’s like I am sleepwalking.
The world moves too fast.
I am lost in a fast world.
My legs carry me to the mirror. Pale skin, dark hair and eyes.
I feel a terrible distance towards the person in the mirror.
Who’s that? And I get angry. It feels good to feel. To have feelings beside fear. And I strike. The mirror. The wall underneath. Again and again.
Till my arms are weak and I slowly stubble to my bed. I let myself crash on it. I feel euphoric. Ecstatic. I hear my door open. It’s my brother.
“Are you hurt? Do you need help” He sounds worried. Scared. I don’t answer and the door closes again. My hands hurt. They ache. It feels good to feel. My knuckles are cracked.
Broken glass adorns my arms. They are bleeding. The euphoria is gone. The adrenaline. I look at my dirty room, exhausted. Again.