Jeez, I have no idea how to start this email. The start of this school semester was off to a rocky start. I had panic attacks left and right, I couldn't beat my anxiety.
Tbh, I've been doing pretty bad. I stopped caring about my class, I skipped a few, and then I just stopped going to class altogether.
I told my friends that I was going to personal counseling, but I didn't tell them how bad it actually was.
I feel lost, it literally being in a void, I don't know what I want to do in life, I just want to do nothing all the time.
I' am in a dark place, and every once in a while, I find myself just trying to think about the positives. It's hard.
Sunday was the worst day of it all, I was already frustrated because of work and with everything already building up, I had a nervous breakdown.
I couldn't stop crying.
Everything I had bottled up was spilling and I couldn't stop it.
I don't know where all this pain is coming from.
My heart feels so heavy,
I can feel the pain, but I don't know the reason for this pain.
Where Did I Go Wrong?
I don't mean to make you worried, I just... I guess I just need to put everything in perspective.
In everything that I try to do, I feel like I can never reach what I'm trying to grasp so hard.
When I am with friends, it is easy to slip into this persona I have pulled up, I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, I feel empty.
I don't worry my friends, I use empty smiles and laughter to hid the pain and mask the void.
The more I write, the easier the words seem to flow. Sometimes I see the beauty and the poetry in all of this. But I can't hone it. I can't morph it to the art that I want to see.
The art I see is something, dark. It's dark and beautiful but its also terrifying.
It is something I try to hide behind a black curtain. I can see it, even while it is hidden.
The light that it produces isn't warm, it's like a light produced by the moon, it is soft and cold.
Did I ever tell you that I always preferred the moon over the sun?
Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I liked the moon is that it is the only being of light that has seen me cry.
Anyway, I think I am done for today. Thank for listening.