I was in my room, with my hands over my ears.
There was only silence, but I could still hear the trembling of my hands.
My heart leapt in great, striking fear at every sound outside of my room,
It occurred to me then that I was afraid of her voice,
that I feared her voice more than monsters under my bed
or the eyes staring at me from shadowed corners.
I tried to calm my laboured breathing, but I was under the ocean,
thrashing and drowning as I struggled to breath.
So much tears had fallen, too much
I couldn’t stop them.
I thought there was a river in my bedroom,
flowing over my desk and my bedsheets, filling the drawers and cabinets.
A thousand, million unsaid words screamed at me in my mind.
I should have said them.
But I couldn’t.
I was too afraid, too weak and pathetic.
I think I am ruined, some part of me was broken but I do not know where.
I couldn’t fix it,
not sure if they could ever be fixed.
I wanted to go,
to leave this place,
to fly all over to the place where wind howled and rain poured constantly,
The place I despised and fantasised about.
I pulled at my hair,
I was so weak, so pathetic and so useless.
Who could have loved someone like me?
Who could possibly love someone like me?
To want me and be with me?
Even I loath myself.
At my ugliness and weakness.
Thank you, for breaking me.
Every piece of me are tattered and torn.
But because of you,
I can write.
Because of you,
There was only ever silence.