My Dearest Angel,
When you first came into my life, you were just a friend of my family.
I didn't like you, you spent so much time with them and they would leave me behind, I was lonely, you seemed so much more important than me, I didn't understand, I resented you.
My mother, my father my brother, they left me for you daily.
I swore Id never have anything to do with you, I was much too good for you, honestly I thought you were such a worthless life sucking peice of shit!
I was so happy when my family stopped seeing you, I thought you were out of my life for good.
Years later, you reappeared and started to run around with MY boyfriend behind my back.
How fucking dare you try to take him from me! I warned him away, I told him how badly you treated my family, I begged him to stop seeing you.
He told me he just met you a couple times, he didn't think you were that cool, I had nothing to worry about. You were no big deal.
After months of him sneaking around with you, I told him he had to choose, it was you or me! I wish it had been an easier choice for him, but it wasn't.
Our relationship became unbearable, this affair had put a wedge between us. He struggled to leave you, in the end he chose me and I couldn't be happier, we seemed ok again.
Eventually he left me anyway, not for you, but for other fucked up reasons.
The pain of losing my first love brought me to my knees.
The reasonable, intelligent and logical woman I once was turned into a neurotic, irrational weak mess. I missed him so much.
A few months later I found out he was seeing you again here and there... Ugh not you again! Him and I were done though, what the fuck could I say? It was his life, we weren't dating anymore.
Even though I had spent years resenting you I would often wonder what the fuck was so appealing about you that the people I loved wanted to spend so much time with you?
Why did you make them feel so good that when you would leave they felt sick and go chasing after you? Why are they always choosing you over me? Over everything?
As I was saying, I missed my ex, he left me and my heart broken. I needed friends, I needed support. I felt so alone. I had no one.
I wanted to spend time with him even though he had hurt me. I was desperate to ease the pain.
Secretly I hoped if we spent time together he would miss me and want to try again. You were back in the picture...
So I thought maybe if I met you, maybe if I got to know you a little, aqauint myself with you, maybe my ex would think I was being cool and open minded and we could all chill together.
It's not like I wanted to be your friend.
God no! I just wanted to know why everyone thought you were so fucking special, what was your appeal? Would it help me win him back if I wasn't such a bitch to you? His other lover.
So I had him introduce us.
Fuck, you were so beautiful that night, I hoped you would be ugly and annoying, but no, you were intoxicating, hypnotizing,
so much so that hours after we'd met I was still smiling from your charm.
You had such a calming presence, all negative and sad thoughts seemed to drift away, the emotional pain I'd been feeling for months didn't hurt so bad anymore,
in fact I never slept so good as I did the first night I met you.
I woke the next morning feeling normal again, and a little ashamed that I kind of liked you, and certain that I didn't want to see you again, after all,
you had been such a cunt taking away my family, my boyfriend.
He was impressed I met you and was so chill about it. He no longer had to keep you a secret, without feeling he had to lie to me, he told me he felt closer to me.
Well fuck, that's what I wanted. It was the reason I wanted to meet you.
Oh my God was this happening? We're him and I on the path to reconciliation, was I going to win back my love? Would the pain he caused me leave? I'd do anything to make the pain stop, anything.
Even if it meant getting to know you a little more.
So I did meet with you again, and every time I did, I was charmed by you.
You made me feel like even if him and I didn't get back together I'd still have a friend that supported me, distracted me from the pain. Maybe I didn't need him at all, maybe I just needed you.
I didn't want to NEED you. I used to be a strong, independent, responsible woman. I didn't NEED you.
I kept you at bay, I didn't want to do to my family what they had done to me, I wasn't going to choose you over them.
Two, three times a week we would meet.
I looked forward to our meetings because afterwards I felt so fucking good, so happy to have a friend that filled that empty void in my life, to distract me from my pain, my problems,
I never felt lonely when you were there.
As for my boyfriend...? well it ends up we got back together. Happily ever after? I got the guy! My dreams came true?!
Haha no. He is a drug I can't quit. He's put me through hell and tore a hole in my heart and soul, a wound that has become more infected and festering as the years pass.
He was never the guy I thought he was before the break up, that guy was an illusion in my head. This man is a drug that has destroyed me and caused me so much fucking pain.
I vividly remember the night I stopped denying our fate.
After he put me through a very traumatic experience, I turned to you for support and you held my hand the whole night through, you never left my side, you dried my tears,
you eased my pain so much that I finally surrender completely.
Now I devote all my days to you, you numb my pain you ease my loneliness, you makes the days easier to live. I stopped caring about anyone but you, especially myself.
You are number one and I hate the days you can't be with me, I feel so sick without you. All the pain you take away comes back thousand fold when you are gone.
I've come to rely on you so much if I know you can't be with me I get so anxious, so scared. I count the minutes until I see you again. I would do anything to see you.
Fuck anyone that tries to get between us, who tells me you that I should stop seeing you. I've come to love you. I need you. I can't fucking breathe without you.
You knows how to make me feel better, you support me, you keep me company.
I don't know who I am without you , I don't know how I ever lived without you. I wish I had never doubted you.
You are the queen of my world and for you I'd take my last breath.
Now I know, I know why they chose you over me. I choose you over me too.
My obsession with you is ruining my life but you know what? You makes me not give a fucking damn. As long as I have you, I don't need a life.
Now the only time I resent you are the days you can't be with me, those are the days I realize that our relationship is codependent and toxic.
Sometimes I try to slip out of your embrace but you hold on tight and don't let go. You tell me that you love me and will always be here for me.
I spent so much time with you that my family and I grew apart. You are all I have, all I know. You are my best friend, my savior, my heroin.
S. Dear reader, Thank you for reading what came from my heart. This is about my struggle heroin abuse, how it started and how I used it cope with a toxic relationship. I am currently on the road to recovery.