Halfway recovery stories

spookypopelucy just a poet with only huge feelings
Autoplay OFF   •   3 years ago
A raw poem from when I'm awake at night grappling with my depression


God, what a tiring journey

Still riding the waves against my will

I cycle rapidly through the tunnel that has the most beautiful poetry and music and art

Displayed on the walls,

And the one that’s bare but for one sign that informs me all of that is superficial, fleeting

I think about both arguments

Tell myself there is so much music I haven’t discovered

Then interrupt my own internal monologue

To say none of it will matter when I’m dead

So where do I go from there?

I sit in the sun and try to get what others get from it

Add to my bucket list

Try a new food

Write, sing, tell a joke

But when the night draws in the normality of my instability

Comes barging in

And I lie awake trying to make sense of it all.

I find it unnerving how angry I am to see sunrise

How uncomfortable it feels to live to see another day

It’s jarring, so maybe that’s a good thing?

The two sides of my psyche wrestle furiously at night,

So I cannot rest, sleep on it

The good and the bad, angel and devil, mentally well and unwell,

When good and bad duel at dawn the result is only ugly

Ugly thoughts, decisions, circumstances

And they manifest in the mirror

So I face backwards when I brush my teeth.

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