We each have a world within a world, we each have a world in witch we live, and a world that lives within us, that world is in side our mind. In our mind, we have what we want, what we can never
Have. The pain we feel can be changed to something good, but when the world that lives inside of you turns on you, you live inside hell. Where the thoughts you have, seem evil, push you to do
Things you would never want to do. To bring you to your knees when it should be a place to escape. I recently bought myself a puppy, for my birthday and because I thought it would make me happy.
Then when I got her. I actually found myself unhappy, she was brought away from her mum and dad because of me, was taken away from her home and siblings, and I couldn't deal with the thoughts of
How she may feel. The women who brought her will be picking her up tomorrow and maybe I will get some of my money back. I don't know of that will even happen but at least she will get to be back
With her mum til she's more settled and then move somewhere with someone who can give her more than I can. That makes me feel better, I was seperated from my mum early and got less time with my
Dad than I would have liked, and it screwed up my mind, I don't want to be responsible for doing that to her, to have been the reason she hurts and cries. I don't want to think she's suffering in
Some way, because like me she won't be able to have a partner or kids, she won't have a family around, or anything else all she will have is me. A person she never asked for. I can't do that to
Her. When I look into her unhappy puppy eyes, small brown saddeningly glazed eyes of fear, wondering where her mother has gone and why I'm there, I feel love and guilt. But I also feel a connect.
An understanding of how miserable she will be and I don't want to be responsible for that, ever, would never want to hurt her in any way, an especially not in any way I've been hurt myself. my
Punishment for her pain will be me missing her in the way she's missed the ones she's loved, and happiness that she's back where she belongs even if it's only for a little while. My mind should
Be my sanctuary, but it's also my own prison and hell, it punishes me more than anyone else ever could, it hurts me more than anyone else ever could and it Hates me more than any one ever could.
I don't get to day dream of happy days in the sun, relations or love. It doesn't give me hope for my future but it reminds me how broken I am and that my broken self is hurting enough to hurt
Those around me. My mind is my world with in a world, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it's mine, it feels like I'm stuck between both of those worlds and each makes me equally saddened. People
Wonder why I concidered suicide and why I may still do it now, but I finally know, it's because I've been broken and abused so much in one world that even in the sanctuary that once was my world
There is nothing but memories, fear, paranoia and the only way out of both is death.