Sometimes I feel like my body and mind are conflicting and my mind is at war with my feelings. I feel like I should be dead, do the world a favour, but my body wants to carry on living.
It is two and a bit weeks away from my birthday, and I promised my nan who lives in heaven and myself I would try. Really really hard to improve things, or on my birthday I would go to her
She was my angel and like my dad one of my best friends, because in the world I don't really have a soul, just my dad who is ill and my nan who is waiting for me, and I want to go and be close.
I like to think she would forgive me, and be happy to see me, that she will hug me and make me feel safe and the whole world would stop for a moment. All the pain would end and i would be happy
Then I worry about my dad, if he will be okay, I don't want to sit here and watch him die like my nan, it terrifies me more than the thought of dying, he's all I have and when he's gone.
I will be nothing, I will be alone and afraid and there will be nothing left for me in this world. I don't think it's selfish to be afraid or to try and escape the pain you couldn't face, first.
My heart would be broken, I don't want to die alone from a broken heart so I feel like I should die now, while I know my nan will be waiting, and if she is not my soul will break and crumble
I don't want to die, I am scared but I know nothing will change before my birthday, I wish something would take away this pain. I'm just not waiting around for more pain, I should be fighting but
But I have no fight left in me, I should be living but I have nothing to live for, only pain. Only fear of that pain and a sinking feeling of loneliness, one that will only fade when I'm not here
I don't want to leave him but I know he's not alone, me I'm lonely no matter who is there, sometimes I just need a hug, to receive support and comfort so I'm not afraid or alone, just a hug
So on my birthday, if nothing has changed and I doubt it will have, I will probably running away somewhere even more alone so no one gets hurt, where I can die in peace and be with my nan
But I know my dad knows I love him, I am afraid of what is next and the pain I will go through to get there, but this pain inside is stronger and I don't know how to make it go away it never goes
Sorry for failing the world, I wish depression didn't exist and that happiness was there when I needed it the most, my birthday will probably be a lonely day that I spend most of crying, but
It's okay "I'm fine" remember