I always like to compare myself to Koalas.
Mostly because when I was younger I liked someone who liked koalas, so I tried my best as my little 10 year old self to be as much as a koala as I could be.
Turns out the kid only liked koalas as the animal itself.
He thought I was weird.
Looking now, a bit older than then, I kind of am like a koala.
For one, I see Koalas always cling to trees, or people, or other koalas.
I always cling onto things.
Especially things that have had or has emotional value to me.
Growing up, I hated getting close to people.
Sure, I was very chatty.
Sure, I had a fair amount of friends.
Sure, I guess I would be a liar if I didn't admit that I was at least a little bit spoiled.
I hated reality.
Why? Because my happy delusions never lasted.
Darn, I held on to those delusions for dear life when I had to let go of them.
Clinging on to the last strings of affection before the next change.
God, I hated change.
I was always used to having a small list of things to do everyday, things I got used to and comfortable with everyday.
That list of things started becoming a habit.
and habits are hard to break.
I clinged on to those habits.
They were my special favorite things.
But not everything stays the same.
Friends? Leave, or you just grow and get separated along the way.
If you easily get emotionally attached to someone like I do, seeing them walk away hurts.
Because when you suddenly put in all of your affection, care, and friendship and all they do is pick it up and throw it away it hurts.
Like a koala, I cling on to people.
I like getting affection, it makes me happy.
If I talk too much to someone, it means I enjoy their company.
Before when I was younger, being this clingy, or chatty, wasn't annoying or I guess to some not even considered toxic.
But as I grew older I realized not everyone likes someone who is needy, or too affectionate or bold.
Sure, it was hard to let go of.
But I had to learn how to be less clingy.
Yet goodness gracious, I keep on falling each time I make any progress.
What's even the point of all this climbing?
Do people think I'm annoying each time I speak a little bit too much?
Am I too cocky?
Am I too needy?
I don't want to dump my feelings on anyone yet I still ache every time I break down in my own mind.
I want to hold on.
I want to hold on.
I want to cling to these feelings tightly even if they are suffocating me.
Just because clinging on to things is the only thing I know.
Even if I just need to let go.
Self doubt always overtakes me.
And I always drown inside my own mind.
Swallowed in my idiotic self pity.
I am a person who is considerately very blessed.
So why am I feeling confused like this?
Manipulated? I have been many times.
Jeez, I could count them in one hand. And counting myself.
lies I have been told and told?
I don't want to say anything.
People who I have tried to help and hurt me?
I hope that they are happy where they are,
because even if I got hurt, I wouldn't wish on them to be hurt as well.
Even if I feel they deserve it.
I don't want anyone to pity me.
I know I may be slightly emotionally unstable.
But as long as you keep on smiling and accept this broken puzzle of a koala.
As long as you shrug it off and continue telling me about your day.
As long as you keep on making me laugh at your silly jokes.
I'll be able to open up.
I think I'm going to be okay.
As long as you're fine, I'm going to be happy.