Is it bad that i remember the day i found out
but i don't remember much before it? Many of our memories have slipped from my mind.
I remember getting the call, and dropping my phone.
I remember my body freezing up and not being able to move, or to respond when the person on the other line asked if i was alright.
I remember my body going into auto pilot.
I remember walking through the field, back to the camp sight. I remember my troop leader asking where i was going and my monotonous response "anywhere but here".
I remember begging my best friend to tell me it wasn't real.
I remember my heart aching so badly it felt as though my body was just giving up. I remember the first tear i shed when i realized every part of us was forever going to be memories.
I remember your funeral. I remember crying and sleeping.
I remember writing to you and wanting so badly to end my life. To leave in the same way you did. On your own terms.
But the worst part is that i don't remember a lot before it.
I don't remember your laugh. I don't remember all of our walks home together from middle school. I don't remember your hugs.
You'd think i'd give myself a break. It's been 3 years.
But I wake up and i realize that i lose a bit of you each day and that pains me in ways no one will ever understand.
It's like i'm moving on without you. And that kills me.
I fear the day I wake up and you're not the first thing on my mind. I fear the day I won't be able to recall you're last words to me or the way you're voice sounded when you were sleepy.
I've already lost you once.
But i held on because i could still remember you. Remember us.
But the day will soon come when I don't.
When I forget the memories we shared, and the boy i once called my true love.
The day will come when I will forget.
And your memory will fade from my mind.
Maybe then, I will find peace.