What you are about to see is how I navigate my way to the "right" thing
In the process, I will hurt, betray and completely FAIL a person who has placed ALL of her trust on me. (Emphasis on ALL)
I have general idea of how I am going to handle it and trust that I will demand the absolute best out of myself to do it.
Let's start with a story:
about fours years ago I met someone on the internet
She approached me on FB and created a unique atmosphere of fantasy and secrecy
We were talking non-stop. I didn't know her name or anything about her real life
The truth is I: did not want to know any of those details
I was in the last part of a particular growing process and had isolated myself from the world entirely
She took in all of the trauma and pain I had from my last relationship.
I had never been able to tell anyone about the things I had experienced. It was too much...
it was embarrassing and emasculating to me
it's interesting how many women will come out and say that they want men to express emotion or that is OK for a man to cry
99% don't ever, EVER want to see a man cry. There are good reasons for why man are the way we are.
More often than not, when a person says: "Express your emotions and your pain to me"
What they are really saying is: "Seeing you in a weakened state makes me feel better about my own weakness."
Or: "Taking on your pain helps me forget about my own and drives home my self awarded role of Martyr."
"A notion which helps me deal with my failures because I can not understand my role in the matter, and I am too agreeable to feel hate towards the world."
BTW That does not mean that you or anyone else is voided of good intentions, you 100% have them. But how much is "good" and how much is "bad"?
I am sharing all these stories and we begin to drink our own Koolaid.
jerking each other off ^^
She tells me EVERYTHING I want to hear and I start to believe some of it
Eventually her life problems began to surface and I realize who I was really talking to
But by that time I was already attached to her and deep into a codependent dynamic
What am I about to share with you is not something I am 100% comfortable with saying, but it needs to be included
One day I am sitting in my room, blissed out of my mind, happy as no one you have ever seen, and suddenly...
D e p r e s s i o n
Except the feeling of bliss did not go anywhere.
I was feeling both things at the same time.
I was grateful for the fact that the feeling of depression existed as a feature of human existence...
So that was quite revealing...
and then suddenly I felt something else...
It was a strange pain in my stomach...somehow I knew that this pain was not "mine"
I went on my computer, open up FB and send a message to Faith (how she called herself)
And I said to her:
Do you have a pain in your stomach right now?
That was strange and I had no idea what to make of something like that.
But it kept happening...
By the 35th time I was starting to realize I may indeed be feeling into someone else's body
Who lived on the other side of the world...
And then things got bad...
I found out she was 35, had a 3-year-old child, and had recently left her husband.
Then she tells me that the guy she was dating hacked her phone and had read ALL our conversations
But that I shouldn't worry.
Sure, I'll be here with my tea.
She was jumping from one big problem, into an even bigger one at full speed
She had me though. I was romantically involved and now her problems were mine.
I was obviously naive, stupid and extremely hungry for connection. It was all my responsibility for letting myself get to that point.
I start to get upset. Because not only does she continue to put herself in real danger, she is dead set on making it worse.
I have had this experience many times in my life and every single time I end up getting angry and resentful
I don't start yelling, insulting or physically abusing the other person, but I understand why some women might end up in abusive relationships
There is an aggression, a violence and breach of trust which occurs when a women hands over her problems to a man.
Because the entire thing is set up for the man to fail but no one really understands what is going on.
As a man, it becomes a big issue because your sole purpose and meaning is tied to solving problems and saving your woman.
Unless you are awaken, you are likely to get very confused, angry and frustrated when a woman tosses problems on your lap you can not fix
it is basically a trap
and it is not something that men can generally articulate
Because physical abuse is easy to detect, we never realize the type of emotional impact that women can have on men
As a result, the only things we hear is that men are oppressive and women are victimized, which is a total non-sense and helps no one.
Because of the connection I had with her, I started to believe that maybe this was the person I was supposed to be with.
I thought that these were the challenges we were meant to overcome.
That idea is not "wrong" but it requires a extremely mature adult to understand the difference between toxic BS and real problems.
It takes a person with character to spot the person who is making a profession out of their pain and suffering.
But it takes a REAL fucking huge, mega large idiot and fool to think that you could ever "safe" anyone.
If you approach a person who is drowning, this is how you do it:
You say: "Listen, I am going to try to help you, but if I see that you won't let me, I will push you away and let you die."
Because what is worse than ONE dead person?
TWO dead people
But I HAD to know what this whole thing was about...
So she bought a ticket and flew from LA to Berlin
The moment I see her at the airport I know it is over
she also knows it, but is not willing to admit it.
Her trip is cut short.
I can not tolerate the things she talks about and does, they are delusional and destructive.
I ask her to change her plane ticket and go back to LA because I don't like what is going on
When she get's back, her problems worsen and that is when I feel a clear message coming from my stomach:
"Stop talking to this person, It is not good for either of you"
My stomach knew she was about to drown
I told her I couldn't speak to her. I explained that I physically could not bring myself to talk to her on a chat even
"...But it hurts so much..."
those were her last words.
I checked myself and the way I felt about the events. And strangely enough I felt good about it.
I didn't feel guilt or regret. I was strong and happy with myself.
I told the truth, acted on it and ready to deal with the consequence of that action
A month goes by and a friend who knew Faith calls me on the phone and says:
Shit man, I am sorry.
"Sorry for what?"
You don't know?
I go on FB and someone had made a post on her profile.
It had the date of her birth (Which I had not known until that day)
And the date of her death
She had committed suicide soon after our last message
Someone said to me today:
"Something happened at school and i used blunt words. things end up pretty bad. is my honesty still worth it if i hurt the person infront."
"not intentionally but to just give him/her a real reality check for life ain't a flowerbed. even though what i said was true i felt bad after saying."
Does my story answer that question?
The reason I told you about Faith was to introduce the problem I want to deal with and share
This whole PIECE is me saying: "Watch what I DO and not what I say."
Is the truth worth hurting?
You should start by assuming that you won't be able to tell what the truth is unless you have been consciously working at it.
The first rule is: If you are going to tell the "truth", start with yourself
Telling others your "TRUTH" is more often than not an excuse to vent your resentment and anger.
being able to communicate the truth effectively is akin to being a naturally gifted and extremely obsessed and hardworking surgeon.
You don't simply grab a knife and start cutting at people with your truth.
If you think, and act on what you assume is the "truth" but you end up feeling "weak"
You need a lot of experience to be able to tell when the actions you take are making your character WEAK.
To know if your character has been weakened, you have to also know how it feels to have a strong and healthy sense of yourself.
It has taken me 14 years of crazy obsession to be who I am today. And it is my natural inclination to be the way I am.
Do right by YOU, speak YOUR truth and one day you will find that you can expand that outside of yourself without feeling hurt or weak by it.
Leave others alone and keep your opinions to yourself until you are 100% of the entire range of your intentions.
If you do decide to speak your truth and you realize you feel bad about it because it was not true...
Admit that you fucked up and apologize to that person
I speak the way I am because I am 100% willing to admit when I fuck up and because I don't care one bit if someone doesn't like it
We are 3/4 of the way to the finish line.
How do you get to the truth?
you need to walk around, climb, punch through and sort out many obstacles.
All of your imperfections and shortcomings become clear as you try to reach the place where the "truth" is.
Physical obstacles will be raised to keep you from even knowing that there is a truth somewhere out there
You'll have to develop EXTREMELY sharp senses; and be someone who is not willing to give up and, work to death...
And still realize that:
you can not keep yourself and others from pain
you can only nurture the courage and faith that is needed to overcome them.
Climb and punch through
Outsmart the "devil" and resist temptation. AKA: Make Sacrifices
And then one day:
Before I continue though, let me explain something which NO ONE will ever admit to you
The people who throw words at you like:
DO THE RIGHT THING
DO THE RIGHT THING BE HONEST
DO THE RIGHT THING SACRIFICE BE HONEST
DO THE RIGHT THING WORK HARD!! SACRIFICE BE HONEST
They are often full of shit, and angry, and resentful and, spitting out things they don't believe or fully understand.
What they are saying is technically all "true"...
Except when you use it to claim your superiority over others
To give an example:
Yesterday I woke up at 7 am, cleaned my room, exercised and spend four whole hours hacking away at my project
At 12pm I left the house, rode my bicycle for 45 min and worked for straight 9 hours at a wedding with 140 guests.
I rode an hour back home, ate standing up, and sat on the computer to answer my e-mails, and that is when I discovered today's problem...
NOT once have I been bumped out or sad because I am working, and making sacrifices, and telling the truth.
If you know how life works, being honest and making sacrifices is no longer an option, it is the only thing.
And you love it.
So let's get to part in which I FAIL, betray and hurt someone who placed all of their trust in my ability to help her.
The first thing I am going to do is "betray" her.
And I use quotes because the devil is the details.
There is almost never a formula to determine the right thing to do.
What you are looking for is an action which strengthens your character and treats the others with respect.
Respect does not mean that you don't hurt them or offend them, because it is up to THEM to feel any of those things.
What respect means is:
that you are keenly aware that there is a darkness which underlies all of human actions
A darkness which is an disguising itself to look harmless.
It means that you speak and treat a person, not just based on what they did, but also on the fact that they have a soul and they are alive
but NEVER forget, that they also have a hidden and unacknowledge trickster and malevolence which they are not aware of
And also realize that it was YOU! with your actions, who helped manifest the good and bad in that person.
It does not mean you blame yourself for the wrongs; or pat yourself in the back for their goods...
You don't take credit for their actions, you take RESPONSIBILITY for it.
taking responsibility will EMPOWER you, but taking blame will weaken you.
So what happened?
Salma reached out to me about a month ago because I extended my help and showed my ability to "help" others.
I don't really help anyone at all. What I do is scream angry and personal things at you and make it look like a story
And that elevates the energy; pokes people in different places, and causes them to start spilling out their stuff
Because they are speaking on purpose, and from the heart, they get slightly stronger and attribute the change to me
But I didn't do shit.
All I did was go first and show you that speaking the truth will not kill you.
What did Salma do?
I asked her to tell me what was troubling her so much.
And she told me but in a way that not correct.
Remember what I told you before about the abusive relationships?
She send me a voice message with a text attached that made it clear for me that the inside was going to be trouble.
To cut this short: Instead of using speech to capture and define her issue and the feelings,
She overshared in a way that made me feel as if someone had punched me in the gut.
Not because I was shocked or felt sorry for her, but because it was a transgression and a breach of trust.
I know she is not fully aware of what it happening, but she understands that it is not the first time she attempts to give her problems away
One of the things I immediately realized is that I would have to stop any and all private conversations
Because Salma was "drowning" and I needed to have control over the situation.
If I force myself to stay in it the only thing I am doing is enabling her actions and allowing her to hurt me
Which in turn will hurt her
That is not good.
I am aware of many of the human elements that are "possessing" her to act this way
I am 1000% confident that Salma is particularly STRONG in a way that few other people are
I will prove it to you by predicting how she will react to this story, (of which she knows NOTHING about.)
She won't be shocked because she is way past the point where she wants to play the victim again
This the last "kick" or the last breath of that behavior she has been carrying from childhood.
It's the unmatured need to have someone stronger take over your problems and deal with them so you can remain naive
The thing I also know about Salma, is that she doesn't believe it at all anymore, she is just stuck in the pattern.
If I was not the type of vicious monster that I have become, I would not be able to recognize these things and would have caved in
If I had been her romantic partner, this might have ended differently, because her plea to be "saved" would have been harder to deny
It's because men are HARDWIRED to be exploited and manipulated by women and female children.
And we love it.
It gives fuel, reason, and meaning for us to go to wars and engage in violence to defend you and die in the process.
But imagine what happens when two unconscious people play at that game.
Salma is going to allow a few days to let her emotions set, and feel the pain, and depression from the growth and the change occurring.
Salma will NOT immediately jump in with a story before making sure she has processed these events.
Salma will now understand and remember the difference between good and bad communication
I will hurt her by holding her accountable and that will benefit her for the rest of her life.
She will learn the importance of letting things play out and having faith in the process.
She will be able to do it because she is strong, she is ready and this community will support her.
She will discover that she is showing tons of courage which no one else in this community has come close to
And she has my full support.
Or she won't admit to it and will call me all sorts of names, curse me and never speak to me ever
I hope that answered your question or at least shed some light on them
Tag someone who needs to hear this story. Share it, shout it, comment on it.
By spreading this story you are helping others deal with a similar and very difficult issue and you are making Salma the sole responsible for it.
This story redeems Salma, because she is playing a part that will help a lot of other people in realizing the truth.