One thing I realized was that people want to feel seen
They want others to see, not just who they appear to be, but who they really are inside.
But if you want to make them extraordinarily happy, you can tune in on their potential and see that as well.
When you come face to face with the sense of infinite potential within a person, you can't help but be uplifted
One of the reasons why people love this so much is because it opens up the possibility for redemption.
Redemption really is the key
Because deep down, we all carry tremendous guilt for the time we have "wasted"
But what if somehow that time had been properly put to use?
If someone can still feel and see your potential, it means it is still there. You can still make it
We all want to feel seen and redeemed because it cures our two biggest, and seemingly unsurmountable fears
The fear is ending up alone
which is no different from going insane
and the fear of regret
which is a kind of prison or hell towards which we slowly walk every day we don't do as we should.
it's easy to give up
it's scary how easy it is and how many of us do it.
It's easy to look at our life's and conclude that we fucked them up beyond repair and that there is no hope
This is especially true for those who tend to fall on the extreme side of sensitivity.
Because what often happens, is that you are tunning into the feelings of other people
But you can not differentiate them from your own.
You'll have a situation that often looks like this:
You'll be talking to your mother or father and be suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of not being good enough.
You'll assume that this is how your father or mother feels about you.
And you will proceed to argue with them in the hope that they will stop seeing you under that light.
But if you pay attention to what is happening in their eyes, you might see something different and unexpected.
You might realize how much pain and helplessness lies behind those eyes.
They are the ones who don't feel good enough. And every time you both argue this fact is confirmed.
Being a parent, whether a mother or a father IS the point of life.
You only need to look at the world around you to realize that this is what every living being is focused on.
It get's downplayed for a very good reason, and I'll touch on that part soon.
The point is, you are tuning into the feelings of your father or mother. A person who, unlike you, does not have the capacity to feel so strongly and dramatically.
As you argue with them and demand their understanding, all you do is make them feel even worst about themselves.
Because they are only human, and because failing as a father or mother hurts like few things can hurt, it's only normal that they lash back at you.
In fact, the more they love you the more it would hurt to realize their own failure and the nastier they would become towards you.
And a cycle of abuse begins and moves down through the generations. Because your grandparents also did the same thing.
Everyone is trying to get the other person to understand them, to make them feel seen and redeemed.
One way or another, we are trying to force, trick and manipulate others into paying attention to US, so that we may have a reason to exist.
How could you possibly stop a vicious cycle that reaches back through time all the way to the very beginning?
I would say you have to realize what "fucking up" in life means
For reasons which I can't get into right now, we learn to see mistakes as brands which we carry in shame for ever
If we over-index on sensitivity we are likely to grow resentful towards the people or the systems which made us feel bad about our mistakes.
Let's put all that aside for now and let me tell you what life is about and the role of mistakes and fuck ups
Depending on how you look at it, making a mistake means that something unexpected happened and you and others interpreted the event in a negative way.
An event is negative when your body perceives it as an obstacle to you getting what you want.
It's a natural and very primal response which can not be taken a face value.
Because you do not know what's good for you or what will happen in the future
The event that now seems like a mistake, can often end up being the best thing that ever happened to you.
However, for a negative event to turn into a positive one, you need to run a process that is called: "Turn obstacle into growth"
The feeling we get as we overcome an obstacle and grow from it is at the top of the hierarchy in terms of what we want out of life.
That means that mistakes and fuck-ups are nothing but the precursor for growth
I am not saying that in a new-agey tone, because I am as pragmatic as I can be.
I only care about viewpoints and ideas which can lead me towards taking the right course of action.
Back to the point. The first thing you must do is mess up your life really good. Then you need to panic and spend a good amount of time dwelling.
Dwelling and panic ensures that your victory will taste extra sweet.
If you can also get family and friends to project their own fears on you and tell you how badly you screwed up, ALL THE BETTER
So what do you do once you get to this place?
The first thing you need to do is curl up into a ball, crawl inside of your closet, cover yourself up with a mantle and swear to never leave your room.
I personally like to lock myself in the bathroom. I picked that one up during a failed relation about 7 years ago.
For a while, you will believe that you screwed up your entire life, forever.
Don't try to talk yourself out of these feelings. That will only drag things out into the future.
You then need to realize how incredibly unprepared you are to deal with life.
You will eventually enter a place in which you will both feel sorry for yourself and anger towards those who caused you the pain
This is the critical stage since most people get stuck on this one. You have two options:
If you take your feelings at face value, your world will be colored in terms of people who are unjustly oppressed and those who are bad.
The problem with that is the following: The moment you accept and embody a world that consists in the struggle of victims against oppressors,
You will firmly place yourself in the position of victim and anyone else who is related to negative emotions will be named: Oppressor
On a personal level, this is extremely damaging. Because you'll end up confirming that any form of "aggression" is bad, which will make your life hell.
Because to achieve any goal or dream you have, you need to tap into your "aggression"
More than that, you won't be able to properly inform others about your boundaries and preferences. Which means others will overstep them.
By using a distorted sense of morality to place yourself in the position of victim, you are making yourself weaker.
When you do that you are sacrificing your potential because it requires you to use strength in order to turn the obstacle into growth.
If you can not grow, the world will begin to swallow you. Which creates a positive feedback loop.
But it's even worse. If you can not grow and learn from your past, you won't be able to share those experiences with other people.
If other people can not derive value from your growth and experiences of pain, you will not be properly redeemed and others will not see the true you.
that will cause unbearable amount of pain, which will in turn, make every single obstacle looks like a conspiracy of the world against you.
Once it becomes obvious that the entire system is rigged to hurt you and others by those who are "tyrants",
You will begin to support ideas and leaders who claim that they will "fix" the system because their sense of compassion compels them to.
When that happens, people begin to demand that someone make the world "safer" because they have forgotten and lost their capacity to defend themselves.
The weaker a person gets, the more overwhelmed they get by the tragedy and the easier it is for them to get behind leaders who claim they can "fix" the system.
That is how left-leaning tyrannies get installed in the world. It's an overshoot of empathy and it kills millions of people. We can't get into that now.
Back to the story. Hopefully, you do not want to go down that road, any more than you have to.
I will end this story by sharing with you the most powerful thing that I have learned, which you can use right now.
It has taken me 14 years to learn what I am about to share with you.
How do you tell a good idea from a bad one?
How can you tell if the person who is talking to you, wants what is good for you?
How do you protect your mind from ideas that want to possess you or people who want to manipulate you?
Someone who is your friend or who truly cares about you, will listen to what happened to you and empathize with your pain.
They will help you acknowledge the unfairness and the tragedy behind the thing that happened to you. This is necessary to realize the depth of the hole and the size of the pain.
They will also give ear to the part of you which needs to blame and be angry at what you identified as your aggressor. This is a necessary part of the healing process.
But a friend will not stop there. They will wait until you have recovered some of your strength and remind you of the series of decisions which you took that landed you in the pain you feel today.
They won't blame you to put you down, but simply shine a light in how your previous actions can be perfectly traced back to your own demise.
That is painful to do, because you'll realize that you are even dumber than you thought. And it means you are going to have to grow and change.
It means you will have to let go of resentment, fear, and anger.
But someone who cares about you, will always remind you that everything that happens in your life is your responsibility
Because when we are willing to assume responsibility for our own life, we immediately invoke the resources to deal with those problems.
We like to think that we stay quiet and don't make waves, that life and other people would ignore us and leave us alone.
But that is not an option. Because if you are not growing, you are getting smaller and nature is not benevolent at all.
So, if someone makes you feel like you are victim and that you have no power against life because the system is "rigged". What is that person saying to you?
They are basically saying: "You might as well give up now. I tried my best and I failed. And that led me to conclude that you can never win."
"If I can convince you that this is true, I will have an easier time living my decision to forgo my own power."
"Because responsibility is a very tough thing. It means that everything matters and that is terrifying."
so, understand that people have very good reasons to tell you to give up and don't try.
And that you can choose to take any of those positions.