With this piece "I give the boot" to the series and share with you what motivated me to do this.
The first week was over and I had closed things with Deborah. Who I really wanted was Marion. Who was a friend of her.
I genuinely liked her. To be honest, I have no idea why I even had the audacity to think she would want to have something with me.
I certainly was not able to tell if a girl liked me or not. It took me until I was 26 or 28 till I started to pick up on those details that let you know that she is interested.
I thought a lot about why it was that I had no problem making a fool out of myself, over and over again.
I have been rejected SOOO many times. Straight to my face: NO! when I was younger. I just didn't care...
Part of it is because I honestly feel I am great. I know I am flawed human being, but I think I am good catch.
So, it was difficult to take rejection personal. I just knew that people didn't know me or cared about anything other than themselves.
The other thing that happened, which has stuck with me, even today. Is something that happened when I was 11.
There was this girl in school who I was madly in love with. I was about 8 at the time and we were class mates.
I was never ever able to muster up the courage to tell her how I felt. If she had said no, I would have no idea how to handle it.
At age 11, three years after. I was still just as much in love with her, and had still not make a move...
That's when I realized I had missed my chance. That was the moment I understood regret.
I understood regret DEEPLY. The only thing I knew is that this was going to be the ONLY thing in my life I was ever going to regret.
I am 34 years old now and there is NOTHING I regret now except not having asked her.
As I tell you this story, the amount of gratitude I have in my heart right now, because of that single experience...is overwhelming.
It is impossible for me to hold back when I feel I must do something. By now, many of you know this to be true.
I hope that my stories can somehow trigger something in you which makes you realise that
Being bullied, and having people laugh at you for 20 years, or others knowing how much you jerked off at 12...
All that stuff...I think that if you understood regret and insecurity, your life would be so different. For the good.
I am ending this series, in part, because spilling the most intimate secrets about my past does nothing for me. This is not difficult to me.
So, let's finish the story:
I talk to Angela, the girl from Spain who speaks French. I confess my feelings to her about Marion.
She goes to Marion and talks to her. She then goes back to me and says:
She feels the same way. She wants to be your GF
As I tell you this story, it feels as if this happened many lifetimes ago. It is super strange.
I don't remember if I was surprised or what. It's been 19 years...that is older than MOST people here...
So Marion said yes...but what now? We don't speak the same language...
It was a weekend and we all took a trip to a town near by. I remember there was a red Ferarri parked on the street...
because when we all got out of the van, everyone went ahead and Marion and I stayed behind, next to the car.
I remember us looking at each other for a bit and then me reaching out to grab her hand.
And that is how we made it official...we grabbed hands the entire day. When Angela saw us, she probably winked at me? I can't remember now..
Well...things got steamy very fast. We spent the next 4-5 days making out all the time.
Other people had also hooked up and there was this pressure to take things to the next level before school was over.
But the entire thing lasted a total of 2 weeks and we had been together for 5 days...
Honestly, she was definitely the person with whom I wanted to have sex with for the first time.
I had cero idea if she had any experience. But because she was 18 years old and 15 year old Deborah was basically a Cougar...
I assumed she had already done it.
She had not.
And find that out was pretty painful.
What happened was that a guy who was Swiss-French and 18 years old was dating an Italian and they were going to hook up the last day.
While at some random town, we sneaked out and bought condoms. First time I ever did that.
I am not sure...but I think this dude bought the extra large ones. And I don't think he was showing off LOL
I took the normal ones and we headed out of the store.
That night we ALL headed to the town bar, which was big enough to fit 15 people at full capacity.
Everyone was super happy as we walked down the road towards the bar.
Don't ask me why I had the fukcing condoms with me, inside of the box, and on my back pocket.
A small square box with two units, not a 16 pack btw.
Marion got super frisky and grabbed my ass... exactly where the box was.
When she felt the box, she immediately reached into my back pocket and pulled out the box.
She was horrified.
And I realised how this whole thing looked. As in me being completely sure that something was going to happen.
Something was probably going to happen, but not anymore. The spell was broken so to speak.
She pulled away and became super weird, then she cried to her friends and I just felt like a total piece of shit...
I loved her...and if things had been different, I would have never cared to wait for as long as needed.
But I knew I would not ever see her again.
Nothing happened. Things go super weird and the next day we all said our goodbyes.
We stayed in contact through Hotmails MSN, which was the thing at the time.
We exchanged e-mails and talked every now a then for about 3 years. And then never again.
And that is the story of how I almost lost my virginity.
Now I also promised you something about PTSD psychopaths and Betrayal
if you want to hear about that topic and why I made this series about spilling the tea. Continue to the next piece.
I wanted to make it here, but I think it is best I give you a chance to relax before heading to the other subject.
For now, I thank you VERY much for your time and attention. And I hope I made good use of it and that you got value of this.