The first thing was to throw myself into as much work as I could find
A small production company in charge of the opening of a new museum for Urban Art in Berlin gave me a contract
The same people organized a huge structure in the Lola Palooza festival 2017
I was working 12-16 hours to help produce those events
It involved things such as climbing up 30+ meters on a hydraulic lift to prep the facade of a building before an artist painted it
I got to meet a lot of great artist and worked with lovely people
I also drank quite a bit. Before I decided to stop I was having beers at around 10 am
My breakfast consisted of black coffee and cigarretes
Based on my experience, you want to make sure you have plenty of physical work to keep you engaged
And you probably don't want to be drinking before 4 pm or so.
That comes with it's own set of problems.
Another way to know if you are in the ballpark of serious pain is when you are diving into Mythology and Religion for answers
In my case, a book like Bible went from being: "A book from the past"
"Unparalleled - genius level storytelling"
And I really mean that.
Mythology and Religion do not make much sense to us today because of how incredibly sheltered we are
But there is one thing which got me the fastest and most reliable results out of all of the things I tried.
It will sound extreme, but it's something that makes a lot of sense
I kind of split myself in two. The part that was barely functional had to take a seat while I sent the rest on a bit of an adventure
The only way to heal the trauma is with the strength and courage to face up to what happened and to realize your role in it
But where are you going to get the courage to do that?
The answer for me was to pause "Adventure 1" and start a new game which I voluntarily chose
I started to willingly face a whole other set of things that were traumatizing, but of my own choosing
It started with violent movies and quickly moved into war camp prisoner stories from WWII
I simultaneously started to exercise again and to take ice-cold showers
Two things began to happen:
No matter how badly you got betrayed, NOTHING will ever compare to what happened in those camps
You need to expand your view and bring these sort of things in to be able to put things into context.
Being the kind of person that willingly takes ice-cold showers and listens to war camp stories changes your personal perception
I simultaneously created a much bigger monster for me to deal with, but because I was doing it willingly, I was able to get stronger from it
I was suicidal for about six months and it stopped once I got through with that particular phase.
The problem is that most people are eager for an excuse to quit life and not try again, so this won't be for them.
The other thing I did was to get VERY interested in material world around me
If I did not have the courage to be vulnerable and relate to people, I could at least find solace in my relation to things around me
I found an entirely new world by changing the attitude with which I was dealing with the objects in my room and at work.
I could satisfy some of my needs by being kind and thoughtful towards the things that I came into contact with.
After all that I spent about six months writing my first poem. I worked on it every day for about 8 hours
Then I wrote a second one which also took me about six months to complete
Then I found Commaful and created about 60 different pieces of poetry before realizing it was out of my system
I don't write poetry anymore and I don't go out for drinks, or date or take vacations.
The world I live in today is not safe and quite fragile. It requires my absolute best attempt at acting on my truth to keep it working
The things I take for granted are less and less everyday. My sense of personal responsibility is continually rising,
The most "mundane" tasks give me the most amount of joy. The less attention I get the more motivated I am to keep producing
I also got immense amounts of anger inside of me. I look down on people who I feel are consciously doing the bare minimum
Probably because I have identified that as a weakness in character and those are the people I find dangerous.