He held a paper tissue to his nose to stop the blood from dripping on the counselor's chair
The whole event had been so excessive, I doubt anyone tried to grasp what really went down.
"But why three times?" It's what everyone asked me.
"Where should I start?" Is what I thought.
In reality, I had no idea how it happened or what had taken over me in those moments
But now I do.
It was the result of industrial amounts of resentment that I had picked up over the last 5 years.
We were sitting on her couch and she was asking how the whole thing went down
I remember how I felt:
I felt betrayed, angry, but most importantly, I felt disgusted.
I guess he felt very similar emotions.
Maybe we were not as different as we wanted to be.
Once we were done she looked at me smiled and said:
"You, Daniel and Rafael are mostly on your own why don't you become friends instead?"
It's war we are talking about here. It's every man for himself.
I flashed back to two years prior and went dozens of memories of mob bullying...
And I said to her:
"I spent two whole years enduring and fighting people who used to be my friends."
"I was getting bullied by groups of 10+ people at the same time..."
"I know..." she said
I'm not running charity, I answered
Let them deal with their own problems.
What shocked me the most during those years was seeing my "friends" turn against me at a moments notice
In school EVERYONE got bullied a lot, even the girls. But some way more than others.
When I think back on those years, I don't feel angry at all.
But I do feel sad.
One of my best friends at the age of 11 was a guy with a malformed hand.
He had such an incredible personality.
I didn't know it, but up until the age of 11 I was one of the most popular kids in the class
I used to take this guy with me to the mall to play laser tag with the popular girls from my class.
I never saw it that way because I was stupidly innocent and naive about that whole thing
Fast forward a year and this friend of mine and another guy was playing a game and he says to my friend:
"Just now, when you were not here, Ros was talking shit about you and saying you are a one-handed puss"
My jaw dropped
I couldn't get a word out. I looked at my friend as he frantically weighted the value of our friendship.
He chose to believe it, launched himself on me, and started swinging.
(Not that valuable, I guess.)
I remember how time slowed down to a halt, as I saw him throwing one fist after the other
He knew that was not true, and it took almost nothing to break him.
All I could feel was pity for him.
He didn't hurt me at all
I didn't feel a single punch. Either I blocked them out in my mind, or he never actually landed one on me.
He was never the same after that. He turned into a puppet and I lost every bit of admiration I had for him
I know perfectly well why I got bullied during those years in school.
I can look at every single moment in my life in which I was "betrayed" by a best friend,
and realize the role I played in it; and how I was the one who brought it on to myself.
What every single one of those events told me was this:
P a y a t t e n t i o n
People are always giving you signals about who you are and what you are doing.
The wrong attitude is to assume that they are wrong, because it leaves you with no power to change it.
Out of the hundreds and hundreds of situations where I was bullied, I can not think about one
I did not invoke myself
We bring them about when we present ourselves as "harmless"
You might think you are harmless because of how agreeable you are, but others will not trust you.
They know something is missing and so they will poke you to see what you do.
They have to see what you are made of and how you react. This is how we determine our friends and partners.
If you fail to respond correctly to that poke, then the poke turns into a punch and so on
From their perspective: if you were trustworthy you would stand up for yourself and tell them to stop
But you don't. Instead you pull back in shame, and that confirms their unconscious theory:
You can't be trusted
You think that as long as you do not cause "trouble" no one will will mess with you.
But that is not how the rest perceives that situation.
So you have two options:
You either deploy true empathy for them and yourself.
Or you nurture resentment, contempt and disgust.
The first path is only painful for a bit and then you get stronger and more loving.
The second path ends up with your hands covered in someone else's blood
And no memory of what happened.
I'll try to share my stories on bullying for a while and see where that leads to.