For the past few days I have been staying at home, unable to go to work.
That allowed things to catch up with me.
I finished a piece about hate and that subject has kept me busy for years
But for the past two days I seem to have landed at a place of peace and ...
Anyway, since I wrote a poem about hate, I thought I would also write about it's opposite
It is best explained with a short story from my past . . .
w h o o p!
I don't know how it came to be. All I know for sure is how I felt.
At a very young age I decided that work & sacrifice were bad things
Work meant loneliness
Up until the age of five, both my parents worked and I didn't see much of either
That was probably first thing I learned to resent
As I grew up I caused a whole lot of trouble
I used to judge the quality of my parent's punishment as insubstantial
I spent long hours thinking how they could improve the way they raised me
I was 4 or maybe 5 around that time and already a know it all jack-ass
I became (on principle), the opposite of my father, and my mom applauded it
Not fully, not in a mean way, but with a solid hint of resentment in her tone
I love my dad, but I had to fight him (nearly physically) before I could find a place
It was a constant struggle, because he was Super Man, and all I wanted was his nod.
Then, around the age of 27 I stopped judging myself under that light
I had been living alone in Berlin for 3 years at that point
It was quite a standoff and it took months to settle . . .
But there I was, with no apparent future and living on well-fare . . .
When they came to visit me
But I was different
Something had changed at my core.
When I first saw them and felt NO doubt from them
I realized it had always been in me.
Years of fights and screams over "ideals" were fruitless
And now this? . . .
Things never went back to how they were, the change was permanent.
That is the day I became my own person.
But it doesn't end there, instead it resets.
The high of the growth wears down and that level becomes your new base
Soon after you are handed a new ideal, a new challenge and a new set of problems.
If you want to know how I did that, I can try to tell you
I think it had to do with being very stubborn...
I wanted to be happy where I was before deciding to move forward
But while I was standing still, I was also fighting furiously
And if you show courage the thing you are fighting can become your friend
You tame the beast,
so to speak
Why do you think you like this games and movies as much as you?
Underlying everything you do is a world which only exists in your imagination
That's why games and movies eventually reveal emptyness
It's because you are supposed to figure out your own story, not live in someone else's.
I'll help you figure out your own story
before you go
I used a Unity, a game engine to make the map, look:
I am learning how to make my own video games now
I'm excited, to say the least