Yesterday I said your parents have no idea if what it’s good for you.
Today I am going to tell you to let them marry you.
How can those two ideas be valid at the same time?
I got a very special piece for you today which I hope you enjoy reading
here we go:
When my first relationship failed at the age of 21, I spent the subsequent 3 years trying to learn from my mistakes.
I grew up and became infinitely more mature in relation to how I was at the time.
At 24 I allowed myself to fall in love again, this time with a girl from Germany.
The best friend from a very good friend of mine.
We used to chat all day long while I finished my university thesis, right before graduation
It started innocently enough and then I fell in love with her after about three months.
Bottom to top: Her, Best Friend and me
That relationship ended catastrophically bad.
99.9% of the people on this site need to be aware of is something called:
The 50% of the population that have a tendency towards being sensitive and empathetic
You and everyone here belong to that spectrum.
We default into pity instead of contempt, and we care more about how others feel than how we feel.
Once you get hurt a lot, it is easy to believe that you are destined to suffer and that not being willing to hurt others makes you good
Whether openly or subconsciously, we tell ourselves that we are better than those other people who tend towards narcissism.
You see, both sides of the spectrum think that they are better than the other side. They call you "cry baby" and you call them "Cold bitches"
The truth is, that no side is better than the other, because pity is not better than hate and being afraid of hurting others does not make you good
Yes, in part you strive towards fairness and have the potential to be an amazing human being, but you are not.
I know you are not a "good" person because to be good you have to become intimate and very close to the darkest and most evil aspects of the human being.
You have to understand EXACTLY how you would end up torturing and raping children.
Because ALL human have the potential for infinite good, but it can only be attained by understanding how deep the evil part of you goes.
And guess what? Our Darkside is a bottomless pit...but once you realize what is inside of you...well, you'll be deeply traumatized...
And you'll have to deal with that, but your chances of healing that trauma are vastly superior than if you encounter the evil by accident in another person...
The result is that you will gain a level of respect for you which can not be faked.
You'll understand how dangerous you actually are and that will make you act in a very different way.
Back to the thing:
But you avoid confrontation because you probably trade high in agreeableness and compassion and not because you are actually a good person
Why do I keep insisting that you are likely to be not as good as you think?
Because every time that you avoided a confrontation, or you let someone take advantage of you, a counter went up in your head
Somewhere in your mind, someone is keeping scores of how many times....
you got screwed up...
And every single one of those points is a drop of poison that accumulate inside of you
Why am I telling you this?
Because that poison will turn into resentment and one day, when you least expect it, you'll explode...
and you'll get a tiny glimpse in that darkness you avoided.
Actually, today, you are probably making offhanded comments left and right.
You know those? It's when someone says something to you which you know it's an attack but it's wrapped in polite language so it's tricky...
I bumped into a few people in this site who do that. I personally think it is despicable, and lucky for me...
I have no trouble making it very clear that I will not tolerate that type of aggression towards me.
I learned long ago that people like that are the most troublesome and dangerous of all.
Be VERY careful with the overly polite who you feel are constraining themselves, because they got something in there and it's not pretty.
You know what I mean... You know you got something to say which is eating you from the inside...
You are pushing that anger down because you allowed someone to convince you that aggression is always bad and never necessary.
Not only is that a TERRIBLE message to give people, it is also very far from the truth...
After all, a surgeon is a highly competent individual who exacts a precise and controlled level of aggression over you in order to heal you.
There are infinite degrees of aggression and each person must learn how to get a hold of their own.
Denying your aggression is as destructive as pretending you have no sexual needs. Both are equally big in us
So, where was I?
As it has been the case for every single relationship I ever had, before I met the future partner I was at the top of my game emotionally
Something in my nature and in my karma and in my naivety and optimism, drew me to someone who needed a lot from me.
Call it the saviour complex, I don't care. I honestly thought this was a sane, reasonable and very strong psychology student...
Because I was quite stupid and had not been in a relation ship for three years, I engaged with this person for 10+ hours a day...(over the internet)
It's part of my nature to be very intense at the start, and then ease up, and this time it turned out that 10-14 was not enough.
She was not EVER getting enough. I had just moved into Berlin and this was taking all of my energy and I had no clue how to set boundaries
I take full responsibility for not having lead the situation and make my needs clear.
People like you and I are so hyper-aware of what the other person needs, that we THINK others are the same
So we don't say anything and we wait and we begin to get passive-aggressive and we push the other person away and become mean...
In my case, this caused her to grow even more insecure and by the time I was asking for a break, she did not have a leg to stand on emotionally.
She basically had no friends, a terrible relationship with her family and had defaulted into feeling like a victim
How bad did that thing end?
Despite of all of my attempts to make her feel safe, secure and try to make her strong I did not succeed at all.
Instead, I became empty and angry and bashful at her victim attitude. When that started I knew it was time to stop
But I did not have the courage to hurt her, so I asked for a time out...
That was also WAY too late. Waiting until you are burned out emotionally and unable to think and feel is not a good idea.
Take a look at the shit storm this thing brought:
My male best friend at the time kept contact with her AFTER I had broken things up.
and he did so secretly while staying in my room in Berlin. I found all that out a year later.
She then met every single Venezuelan guy I knew from Berlin and became friends with them.
She then Facebooked every other person from Venezuela that I knew in Berlin and contacted them...
She did all that while letting me know how destroyed she was by the whole thing
She had a ticket to come visit me because she was living in Ireland at the time. But I could not stomach the idea of even looking at her
The amount of guilt that I had was making me sick.
I should have NEVER let things have gone that far. I was stupid, naive and extremely irresponsible.
I did not have the maturity to understand what I was getting myself into. AT ALL
This person was not stable and she could have ended up hurting herself badly.
So I broke up with her over chat, I could not even tolerate hearing her voice.
She became completely unreasonable and refused to accept what I was saying.
I blocked her.
as I tell you this now I can feel the emotions again... it was really NOT good.
I didn't know why at the time, but as soon as I ended that chat I left the house, went to a club and got picked up by a girl.
She was the first of many...
THEN A few days after I had broken up with her (my EX) she sent me an e-mail...
I was only able to skim through the first paragraph, and it fliped my stomach over and just wrecked me.
I don't remember the e-mail but it basically equated me to the lowest piece of crap that could ever exist.
There is an exercise which you can do after a breakup in which you write down all of the poison and hate you have and then SOME in order to process it and feel anger.
The aim of the exercise is to move you from pain towards anger so that you can eventually heal...
but under no fucking circumstances do you EVER send that letter. Because it is not true, it is a dumping of shit and blame meant to release you...
But this psychology student listened to the advice of a Psychiatry student (the other girl in the photo, who was my friend) and told her to actually send that letter to me...
I am getting betrayed my my three best friends all at the same time while going through a break up alone in Berlin during my first year.
Good times ...
I had always seen myself as a gentleman, someone who is thoughtful and kind and who admires women
for this person I was now an absolute monster.
This was a strange period in time for me because this relationship left me feeling as the worst human being that ever lived.
to counter that feeling and try to make sense of it:
I engaged in an obscene amount of dating and casual sex. There was a period of about 4 months where I always had at least five women around
I would always go out on three dates with them before anything intimate because I was not interested in sex...
I just needed to convince myself that I was a good man.
I dated each and every single one to the best of my abilities. We went out to the park, had coffee, went dancing, movies..
We would eventually reach the point where sex was the next logical step and that was my least favorite part...
That bit requires you to open to the other person and to trust them and I was in NO position to trust anyone.
That is why I was dating such a high amount of people, because after having sex once or twice, I was unable to move forward.
I do NOT like "casual" sex...
Then one day...
About three or four girls stop talking to me out of the blue...years later I found out that my ex had entered my gmail and FB....
and had told these women that I was a piece of shit and God only knows what else
So that happened, and THEN
(this was 9 years ago and my stomach still hurts. I am actually wanting to smoke right now...)
I'll have to move the story along a bit faster...
The guy who I used to think was my best friend, brought my ex into the largest group of Venezuelans I knew...
She got close to a guy from the group who basically offered her the "shoulder to cry on" and they hooked up
WHILE I was at the house because they had invited me to eat grill...you should have seen the indignation in her face when she realized I was coming
You think you know someone...
I then found out she was pregnant with a boy...but I never saw anyone from that group, ever again
And last December she walked into a Bar that I was tending to and stood right in front of me while I was talking to the friend of my other EX ...
Who also happened to be there by surprise and was in the same group as my ex-ex-ex....I mean...
You can not make this shit UP
After staring me down (waiting for a look of shock that never came) she sat at a corner with her group and drilled me with her eyes
This lasted for about 2 hours. And I am thinking:
"Bitch please...I got 2 more Exs on my CV and those put our failed relationship to shame."
I am unfaced, in fact I am having and the best time of my life at that bar and the waitresses decide to get extra friendly with me
talk about revenge being served cold...I was getting some of mine I guess.
Her table pays and just as she is about to leave, she hands me a piece of paper with her phone number and asks if we can meet again...
I give her my best smile and say: "Sure!"
I got home, lit the damn paper on fire and told me friend about it.
It turns out she is filling for divorce from the pothead Venezuelan dude she had married and with whom she now had two children
And she was, apparently, suing to get full custody and keep the father from having contact with the childre.
Do I even need to say more?
Why did I tell you all that?
The signs were ALL there at all times. But I was not only young, I also lacked involvement of my family in those matters.
And looking back, they have actually done me worse, because they LOVED all my exs...but idk lol, I still think family should be asked.
It took me three years to heal the first break up, and this one took me three years as well and it was about 100 times worse...
Then I had a third strike, a failed relationship which put the previous one to complete shame.
by the time I had my last and 4th strike, I basically HAD to become a poet in order to barely deal with it.
I am 34 now, and despite of my positive attitude, intention, willingness to learn and the immense growth I have experienced...
I am completely unable to choose a partner which will not equate a Sharknado tearing though my life.
I have been single for two years now, and I don't date. I also avoid pretty much every woman because by now I can tell the type they are...
I am on a new level and much more wiser as a man... BUT if I was a girl, a woman and I had made those MANY mistakes....
I would have been fucked... Each gender has their own strengths and weaknesses, lucky for me, I can have kids at 50 and easily pull it off
if you are a woman, you can't
I remember thinking to myself: "How come no one in my family is helping me find a suitable partner?"
Look, the truth is, human beings are infinitely complex and when you don't know the family and friends and past of the person you are thinking about marrying...
You could be walking into terrors that you can not possibly imagine. You simply don't know the trauma and baggage that people carry and don't know...
And guess what?
At first, everyone is perfect... everyone is too good to be true and after you fall in love... you caught in the spell ...
Let's do this exercise:
Let's take the example of a woman. As a woman you are built to be EXPLOITED by infants.
A baby who is between one and nine months old will demand EVERYTHING from you and will test all your limits...
unless you are unreasonably compassionate and LOVE that baby more than you love yourself, you are likely to abandon it
Or jump of a window or throw the baby away from you It is not a joke...
Now, I am not reducing human relationships to chemistry, but it is a HUGE component.
Which is why you need a MAN who is usually low on agreeableness in order to balance out your propensity to over shelter the kid.
You are wired to CARE and to nurture others, and it turns out that other people can take advantage of that wiring and exploit it.
Because you are basically made caring for that infant, IF you happen to meet a "broken" boy who is suffering and fighting valiantly...
Like in those twilight movies and all that stuff that works wonders on young women (no offense at ALL to young women btw.)
(Men can be easily exploited in a similar manner)
BTW, take a look a how I told you what happened with my ex and compare that to how other males sometimes express their experiences...
I shared my pain with you in a careful manner, I did not dump it on you.
I also made it very clear that this had been a mutually failed relationship and that my lack of courage and naivete had caused all that trouble.
I shared to connect with you and not exploit you. (I hope you can remember that feeling for the future)
And here is THE KEY: Noone will admit that they are exploiting you...but you know it and that is really all that counts.
The point is that the same thing that will make you an amazing mom to an infant is the same thing that makes you a target to weak men
And you know exactly who these men are that I am talking about. You might not want to admit you find them repulsive, but you do...
Human beings are repelled by other weak human beings because they are a liability and can be dangerous.
Remember that we live in a rich and highly complex society, but our bodies and systems are the same from when we were hunters...
Those who could not carry their own weight, would have made VERY bad mates and companions.
We fix that problem by having love for one another, specially for our family
but as a women, you know DAMN WELL, you do not like a male who is not behaving accordingly.
And if you let one get close to you and you both fall in love you will now have a problem to deal with.
because weak men are often physically abusive and you are the kind of person who enables their behaviour
If you are 14-16, you should contact every single woman in this site and ask them how many abusive boyfriends they have in their past...
It's not that ALL men are bad... it is that we tend to enable these kinds of behaviors due to our own nature
or you'll end up with a weak and passive male, who just drains you out.
For that reason, my female friends, I know understand A LOT better, why the family is often involved in this thing
Because as you get older, you also get wiser.
Wiser simple means that you can recognize patterns of behavior because you have seen them before.
When you look at a boy you like and think: OH! Your parents or grandparents can extend time and see where that boy is likely to be headed...
and say: NO! jesus fuck...NO!
and you might say: But is this not my body and my life?
100%! but both men and women are not just individuals, but also members of a family and a society.
The things you do affect your family and everyone around you and we are supposed to learn how to negotiate these things.
Look, you may think I am harsh, but this site is full of girls who are on the edges of sensitivity (writers & artists) who are also young...
That creates exactly the type of environment for certain type of men to come and get attention and pity from you.
Some of you know exactly who I am talking about, and many of you actually enable and foster those things.
I place all that out there because if we don't clear the waters, we will not know what lies in the bottom and we will walk into shit things..
And I would rather be the guy who tells you harsh and hurtful truths today, so that you might be spared from really bad stuff tomorrow.
Most of Commaful is so concerned with having a "safe space" where no one says anything abrasive, that we shut down our intuition and failed to ID the "wolfs"
Safe spaces do not exists in life, not here and not anywhere.
Demanding safe spaces instead of striving to become more courageous and take responsibility's an outrage.
It is the most pretentious form of entitlement, because it says to the world: "You should change, not me."
And then they use pity and guilt to force overprotective actions.
Because of the internet, those voices can be very loud and we begin to drift into a place where we weaken ourselves by creating artificial spaces.
And guess what? To make life "safe" we give power to the goverment and institutions in exchange for freedom and then we wonder why we end up with Egomaniacs
Remember that every single authoritarian regime was the result of a country who let itself be weakened.
have a good night!
I am leaving you a video in the comments below which I hope will serve you.