Diary of a broken woman
Author Robin F Hart
The story is a fiction. It is about a woman of sin. Born from sin and of sin.
She is brought into the world. A world she feels is beautiful from the start, only to come in touch with its demons. Demons that possessed from an early age, making her their weapon, their tool. How was she supposed to react when everything she had once loved had turned gray and colorless before her very own eyes.
This fiction is written is first person view and also in second person view.
It helped me understand better what I was asked of.
She was weeping and screaming. She wanted to be heard, where was she supposed to start?
I guess from the very beginning.
I weighed both side of the coin
It didn't matter where I ended
As long as in the end I was happy
Married or not
What difference did it make?
I'd have to answer to someone
Even if it were my very ownself.
The same pleasure that goes
With been involved
Is the same pained pleasure with
A loners life
All for what?
My fear of letting go I presume.
But why would I hold on to something I didn't want in the first place?.
What if my decisions were all wrong?
What if? But I never could tell.
How could you want something so badly
but not hold it so dearly when you have it?
That was the true definition of me
What had happened to turn me this way?
Careless of love and blind to the truth
I hid from it, ran away from it.
All for what?
The fear of losing people
I am so detached as it seems
Because I don't wanna hold too close mad get hurt.
I try to shift the blame to her
But in the actual sense, it's my incompetence and fear of been left behind.
My fear of tryna build countless relationships after another fails.
My fear of being shattered and alone.
But why didn't the ones we wanted to stay, stay?
Why did they have to hurt us and then leave?
But look at me, trying to act all self righteous....
I have been a victim in it and also the assaulter in countless of relationships.
I was a presentation of everything I hated.
A replica of all I feared.
But how was I supposed to crawl out from this prison.
Mind prison was the deadliest of them all.
I had no control
I was a prisoner of my mind.
All this could date back to when I was five probably six, or maybe a little way younger, the memory of the abuse on me still very fresh like it was all yesterday. She was confident, someone I respected but how was I to know that what she did was wrong, violating my body and making me do things to her body. A knowledge I never knew of.
Then I look back to today's world where parents have escaped from inculcating their younglings about sex, its advantages and it's disadvantages.
How the society is in a moral decadence.
The growth of pedophiles on the increase, children abused daily by both family, friends, relations and strangers.
Parents had failed God, their search to provide the basic needs of their children had made them neglect these very children without knowing.
How I wish they knew what really went down, how their neighbor stole their daughters innocence or how the next door anty had stole their sons virginity at the age of thirteen.
They were never concerned shutting these kids up when they tried to express themselves. They made them withdraw.
Finding comfort in the oddest of places.
Finding comfort in the arms of the abuser. How was little rose supposed to know that what uncle Mark did to her was wrong and shouldn't be accepted?
How was Hendric supposed to know it was wrong to touch little girls in their private parts, when he had lacked the moral support he needed?
The abuser is never far from home.
So it continued, as she continued to abuse me, and Mom and Dad had no knowledge of this. I began to feel so comfortable with her touching my body.
I thought of it as a norm, she was older and she knew what was accepty and what wasn't. The other little girls my age had to be involved in this scheme, it was too interesting not to want to let em in on it. So I became the instrument of recruitment. Bringing them into what I felt was right, and I felt like a senior to them. Why was this?, my knowledge in the act was sufficient and they were new to it all.
What I didn't know was I was becoming of sin, not only an instrument of sin but the daughter of sin.
God knew us before we were formed and brought into the world he created. He gave us mind, a brain and a heart. To help us, guide us. He made laws to govern us. So I presume, he knew all this would happen, gave me a choice then, but my naivety prevailed upon me. For what I sort most then was recognition and power to be above my peers then. To be able to teach them something I had mastered with time. So, that was why God made me differently, so I would never forget each name, each face, when it happened and where it happened... He made me the secretary of my deeds. Different children in the experience and one funny thing was their parents never got to know of it. What a world. That is morality had been lost, a lost cause.
If you are reading this, because I know you will be, your younglings are your priority... Teach them what they need to know because the world out there is not the way you painted it to them.
My adventures continued, I had become so bold, so courageous, that I could do it anywhere, with any child of my choice and no one would find out, because the child's mind is one born of curiosity and adventure. The child's mind is very pure and devoid of all necessary evil, that allowed their judgements to be clouded with words,blackmail and gifts. A tactic used to acquire the prey. Buying a child's innocence after carefully studying the child and his/her weaknesses.
It got a stage I didn't enjoy the act of necessary evil. I learnt manipulation a skill I acquired with no stress. I could make people do what I want given the right situation. But the question here should be, how old was I ?
Well I know what you might think but when a man's heart is filled with an evil mission, the plans are already mapped out to the orchestrated..
I weep for our generation, I weep because parents have failed God, they have failed the children and they have failed themselves.
How can a father abuse his child?, How about a mother and her child or a brother, maybe a sister?. The necessary evil is this world continues to feed.
I just knew how to make them guilty that, they would have no other means than submit to my scheme to please me. I had two close friends back then.
Phina and her sister, they were pawns in the bigger picture. I set to see one day if I could actually influence those older than I was. They were already involved in the scheme, they fought over me, and I for one enjoyed this.
I can still remember that day vividly, their cousin had come around then, with words I had orchestrated a drama scheme, wrote the scenes and the roles in my mind. I was the creator after all. Like I said, God had created me differently and evil had soothed me with time.
With all in place I just had to tell them what I had in mind and bhooooom!, the foolish boy was in agreement, so you can all see, the necessary evil had been in his head towards them all along. Then he took them into the inner chamber of their parents room, where had been sacred, their matrimonial bed and defiled them while I stayed in the parlour waiting patiently for the result of it all.
While I was seated there waiting patiently, the mother arrived and asked after them, I fiegned ignorance and pretended not to know what was in occurance. I told her I didn't know what all three of them were doing inside and they refused me to join.
In annoyance she barged in to find him on top of the elder sister, pants down.
I remember it all, I was 6 then. Age is a number when your an instrument of the necessary evil.
I become too aware for the evil I had orchestrated then and I asked myself, how had you done it?
The knowledge for evils widened I wanted to expand my thoughts to be versed in this, it gave me joy and joy was my Paramount.
Later on I was abused by my elder brother, my elder cousin. The question that seems to be on my mind even till date, they knew I was a child and it was wrong, they were more older and matured but why did they feel the right thing to do was abuse me?
Well the one thing I was grateful for each day is the fact that they had the conscience not to penetrate into me or did they? Well hey tried in actual sense, tried to but I was tight.
Could I say God had hope for me or it's the necessary evil trying to protect me?
Or was it even protecting me, when it made me steal these children's innocence?.
One thing was certain despite the fact that I made this children aware of sexual knowledge quite early, I never penetrated them. If there was to be a penetration, it was their will and I wasn't a participant in it. I was only the creator of the evil that nessitated...
Well my uncle caught my elder cousin in this act with me one time and he was reprimanded but I wasn't, for I was tagged a child. But who would have guessed this child had schemed it all up?. For a while it stopped. My mum caught my brother and I a certain time and we were reprimanded. But that didn't stop the necessary evil.
When you fail at your duty, you have failed woefully, they should have continued to monitor but they didn't.
My elder brother began to disgust me, I couldn't face him and his sight irritated me, he had necessitated the evil. So with each travelling session in place, new victims were found, more children lost their innocence and I derived joy in this all.
Wouldn't you say I was evil? For I was.
How could I go to bed after everything I had done?
The truth is I was devoid of pity and a conscience. Someone stole my innocence, no one questioned so why did I need to go throw the whole pity scheme?. It was a way of getting my own revenge for what I lost.
I didn't lose my virginity, I lost my innocence, I became aware of evil at an early age, this was a crime so many would pay for. I had just began.
But the funny aspect to it all was that parents were ignorant of what their children did. How can you father a child, say you care for the child and the child is defiled constantly under your care and watch and you know nothing about it?.
The truth is our parents are stupid to think that what we need is materiality.... Deep down we need someone to confide in. Someone to understand us. Someone who would listen to us. We are growing up and we need to speak. We have inner battles. When you push us away, you give the evil a grip of us. To feed us, reside in us and make us their weapon.
The pastor's son cannot be devoid of this evil. I had gone for a vacation there. The pastor was a person looked up to. A person respected and admired. I went there to escape from myself, from the sins I had created to get redemption, at least I thought. I knew this was what I needed. I was God's favorite, I knew it too, because despite all I did, he never forsake me. I hoped for redemption.
But what I got at the pastor's house is a tale for another day. Let me diverse a bit. You will get to hear about the pastor's son.
I grew from a beautiful girl who wanted to be loved to a woman scared of showing love.
When did all this happen?
I never can tell.
I dunno if it was the first relationship, when he used to act like he loved me when All he did was care for me.
How could man be this wicked? After shredding my skin for him to see.
No one understood.
No one did.
I had become a monster, a survivor and a predator. I was a victim of countless abuses while growing up, so also did I turn the abuser.
It was a necessary evil something that felt good with time.
I Enjoyed taking the innocence of my victims the same way mine was taken, mine had been shredded.
My innocence devoured and gulped by innocence thirsty monsters.
I needed the circle to end.
I began to hate my self.
My victims became countless, different ages, it all felt right at the time. But I wasn't satisfied... I needed this chain of bondage to be let loosed. I feared for my life.... Age had kept my sins in check but when I turned 18 I knew one wrong move and I would be sentenced, I wasn't a delinquent anymore I was a grown adult and the law would take it's natural order. I kept my thirst far away, indulged in any other thing that would satisfy my demons as long as it didn't involve innocence. I hated penetration the most because it reminded me of a time, when I was. A victim of an attempted rape. For that known fact I never had sex with anybody. I didn't like things been into my body. I had phobia for sex. I longed for it, dated, but never could I bring myself to indulge. I was a disgust to my very own self.
The pastor's elder son at first acted like he cared for me like a junior sister, he used to tell me all about his experience in the Navy boarding school, I loved to hear about it and I was thrilled. I wanted to join the boarding school too. The adventures were plentious. The way he made it sound removed every evil from a boarding school.
During the holiday, the pastor's younger children had gone to stay with the Reverend. So it was just the two of us and the pastor's sister. The pastor sister helped the pastor's wife at the shop. The pastor's son tried to abuse me. Once again, I knew there was no running away from it all. This evil had come to stay. If the pastor's son could involve in this act then, my redemption was not in this place. I tried as much as possible to avoid it all. You can never be too careful with spirituality. I was right then. The pastor was a seer of God, God could reveal to him every evil done in the dark. The pastor and his wife loved me alot and I didn't want to be painted a black sheep. So I avoided this temptation.
The holiday was over and back to my home I ran. This time, I had began to have secret crush on the pastor's son so when the next holiday approached, I immediately suggested the pastor's house. Everyone was happy I liked the pastor's house and all, but deep down no one knew the motive. This time nothing serious happened, because the pastor's son was having feelings for the next compound neighbor. I think another pastor's son came to stay or was it a family friend. I can't really remember the bond he shared with them, but I remember his face and all. He was as bad as the pastor's son if not worse.
When the parents where out and I was alone with em both, they would want to take their bath and the other party would ask me to go peep and see how his body anatomy looked like.
You could see what an eight year old was exposed to in the house of a saint by the children of the saint...
Life is funny after all. The ones you expect to be graceful are full of sin and condemnation.
After I left there, I came to the conclusion that what I had gone there seeking couldn't be found there.
If I can't find redemption there, where would the redemption come from?
I know what your thinking but I am happy this relates with most of you because at a certain stage you have been exposed to this necessary evil. If not as the victim maybe as the oppressor.
The circle continued, both girls and boys it didn't seem to end, rather it became endless and it continued..
The society needs to be purged, the young ones taught, the need for educational empowerment in all levels.
Parents need to pay attention to their children, both guidians. What needed to be done needed to be done fast. Your children, brothers and sisters even you could be the next victim if you didn't make a stand and do what is right.
Back to my story, the episode of the male anatomy had increased my curiosity wanting to know more, what it was made of, what it intended to do. I built my mind very different with time, creating scenerios to watch it act life, While I studied it.
Your amazed right? I am too. If I were to hear this, I would never believe, if it wasnt my story to share.
As long as you were my friend, you had to be part of the circle. Friends shared your opinions and the evil had a way of bringing the baddest into my life to help my mission grow.
It was easier as children because children could be easily manipulated like I earlier said. They are naive and their curiosity span is so wide. They want to know everything, why dad asks them to close their eyes when a kissing scene pops up, or when a romance scene is showed up, they ask us to leave. We are curious about all this, we want to know what happens, why adults do what they do. So when we get the chance we go on our own adventure, trying to learn what the adult fails to teach us. We end up learning them in the wrong way. I had a family friend whom all her siblings were involved with me, from the last born child to herself. The three of them were involved in the circle and I knew a way to hold them within my grip. Times when she wanted to stop, I would tell her, I was going to report her and she was scared to be flogged and she continued.
How foolish they all were then.
If only they were wise like we are now, or we had the information prior to then all this wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have led countless astray and even with me out of the circle, the circle still continues.
Wherever I moved to, both on vacation or parked to, the circle didn't end it continued. There was a time I wanted to stop but the evil in me reminded of how my innocence was stolen. Till this very day I haven't forgiven all the pain. I hate myself most times. For all the pains I have caused and all the innocence I stole.
The question I have is, am I to balme in all this? Maybe a bit but I blamed my parents, they were too busy to notice all that went on, sorting after money they forgot all about me, those around me for not cautioning me, monitoring my ways. If they had all these wouldn't have happened. My story continues. But I have eventually found my redemption at last.
I pray I am forgiven but my advice to the parents, the society, our elders put your eyes on these young ones their innocence matters alot it shouldn't be stolen from birth..........
My story continues....
I wasn't able to have sex with them, my pains increased, my suffering countless.
I had hidden this burden all to myself.
For countless years I had suffered.
The enemy had been within, so was the demon.
My assaulter was so close to home than you could imagine.
An abuser was never far from home.
I wish parents paid attention to their kids rather than chase after money..
I would have been saved all this.
I never opened up to anyone.
Cause I knew I would be judged, criticize and taunted.
Till this day, my body is a bag of mysteries, filled with memories, I am scarred... Wounds so deep I needed only the toughest heart to overcome.
But no one has seen through these shells, the walls so formidable. No one has gotten passed the beautiful face, lovely eyes and smile.
I wonder if you would still love me if you knew all this?
I wondered if you would understand that I have been this selfish for a reason. No one to trust, no one to understand. I have been my confidant and my trust.
I wonder if you would understand why I had to bottle it all in.
I wonder if you would?
But I never will know because a chance was never provided.
My medium was wrong, my choices weren't right, my ways were evil, but my heart fell, It chose to fight... I still fight. It hasn't been easy but I am a survivor.
Tell my story to the world let it be known. For I am a survivor.
The essence of survival it had been.
Thank you all for reading.
This is all fictional writing.
I want you to get back to me on your thoughts about abuse. If you have questions.
I am all ears for it.
Thank you for listening to the story of a broken woman.........
Writer Robin F Hart.......
God bless my works.