Though it wasn't the correct time, I wanted you so badly.
Part of me wants to be with you because I was so unhappy.
I think of that day and I want to puke.
Though circumstances wouldn't have been the best, I still wanted you.
I wish I could've done better so we could've been together.
Had a better partner; better job somewhere warmer.
Sometimes I wonder if you would've been a beautiful little girl.
Or a handsome little boy who would've been my world.
Though my heart aches, in a way, you were saved from the pain.
The trauma, the sadness and the anger; feeling like you were a mistake.
Over the years, I've made my decision on a few names.
With tears in my eyes, I'll have to write them down and wait.
Wait for the moment when I can meet one of you.
Or maybe both; it's long overdue.
I wish to love you in all the ways possible while seeing your face.
Have all the non-material things I've never had with a warm embrace.
I never knew I could miss someone I've never met this much.
Never knew how much I would long for both of our small hands to touch.
I never knew I could love someone I never met until then.
I'll always be a mom first, but I'd love to become your friend.
I felt I should've died with you.
Really I should be alive for you.
I've secretly cried for you.
Soon I can ride with you.