So... I don't know what exactly I shall confess but I wanted my fingers to subconsciously type something so I don't overthink it.
This was inspired by this one author I saw here named @fallenshadow who has a late night confession series. I was entranced by the idea and thought "why not go for it myself?"
So I guess here I go. //// My unedited, raw, confession.
A lot of times I go through life half experiencing it, if that makes any sense whatsoever.
Let me try to explain and sorry if this becomes a long rant...
It's as if I am forever stuck in this fog.
My memories so easily fade...
I forget the feeling my friends give me, but will remember doing what we did that made me feel a certain way.
I'll feel my nerves tingle and I'll feel my stomach churn with every anxiety driven event but when it comes to after-the-fact:
I have almost no recollection. Just poof! Gone.
It freaks me out sometimes.
Like as if I am a phantom in my own story.
It is almost like how you walk in the halls or the sidewalk and before you know it, you already made it to your destination.
You don't know how long it took or what route you took, but your feet did without even asking.
Some days this would go as bad as me not even recognizing who I saw in the mirror.
Or what I done in the day at all.
Or make everything so difficult to explain that I just give up because what went through my mind felt Wrong or Crazy!
Like how this one time I was having a conversation and everything felt fine
but once I started to explain that this cement that I know should be rock hard actually felt squishy to me //// /\ //// resulted in complete WTF reactions by my peers.
Sometimes I try to make sense of whatever THIS is.
Was it some kind of form of //// Depersonalization or Derealization?
(Depersonalization: A sense of detachment from oneself.) --------------------------------------- (Derealization: Things or people around seem unreal.)
No that can't be it... //// and seriously you can't go self diagnosing yourself, you hypochondriac. That felt a lot like irony there for a sec.
So in a desperate way to try to figure myself out //// I told myself that it was this:
The reason why I only remember certain parts of my story is because I have for my entire life been running away and trying to forget all of these bad memories.
I spent so long running from everything that threatened me That I had shut down life as a whole.
Because since I felt like life had beaten me down too many times... //// I deemed it all to just be painful.
//////////////////////////////////// / / / / / / / And / / / / who wants to / / / / remember pain? / / / / / / / / / ////////////////////////////////////
So with my friends... Dear god I tell myself I love them and I want to trust myself that I do...
But once I feel threaten that I am going to lose them I act like I never had any connection with them in the first place.
When I feel so disgusted with myself or my actions; //// that is what makes me not want to recognize myself. So I never see myself in the mirror, because I don't want to see myself as this filthy monster.
Filthy. I feel filthy.
Filthy. I feel filthy. And no matter how hard I scrub.
Filthy. I feel filthy. And no matter how hard I scrub. The dirt remains.
Sorry for the abrupt end.... You just saw me experience the first time the realization of perhaps why I act the way I do. And that hit. A lil' too hard haha.
Thanks for reading everyone <3