No, my story is not filled with perfections not even full of blame games. I am a victim of my own thoughts and my own feelings. My insurrection from this trap didn't play my side.
I tried to escape but all in vain.
I just don't know why it is so.
I always wanted to be a good being. Bearing no hatred and evilness for anyone else. I focussed to live a life as simple as I can.
From adjusting myself to any situation to not burdening anyone else with my needs. However, it is not all gold and good in the end. I suffer.
Seeing people happy should make me happy- because I want happiness for people but no, I always find myself in a struggle to do so. My heart hurts.
Why can't I be happy for others?! Is it jealousy or envy?
I ask myself again and again but I find answers which say: You are happy for others. You are a good being. You can't think of that.
This makes me smile and believe that Yes!! I am of no harm to anyone. It sets my heart at peace.
Yet again I cry at nights, and even during prayers asking why do I have a dark heart?
Yet again I cry of letting people suffer because of me- because of my head and dark heart.