Sometimes I need to tell someone about how I feel so yes this might be a little long but it would mean a lot if I had someone to talk to about it even if it’s not in person. So please please read through this.
I feel stupid and I feel like an idiot and that's all I'll ever be. I don't understand why I can't be like anyone else and be able to understand what people are talking about in my classes. I wanna be able to get through all my homework and test without trouble.
I often wonder what’s It’s like to not have to worry about passing 9th grade, about getting good enough grades to be what you so desperately want to be. That’s something I’ll never get to experience. I feel useless and like a waste of space. This, this is what I do and it's a waste of time because no one will ever really care the way I need them to.
Today I thought to myself "what if a car crashed in front of me and one of the pieces was flying at me and I was going to be killed." I thought at first that I would be happy because this life wasn't meant to be mine and I don't want it. The only thing that would stop me is my family and friends, I don't want them to feel the same way I do.
I don't want my mom to be depressed, I don't want my grandma's and grandpa's and aunt's and uncles to be depressed, I don't think my dad would care. In school today we asked each other what we were afraid of someone answered with drowning. Something typical for someone to be afraid of is death.
I’m not afraid of dying because there’s nothing to be afraid of. All my pain will go away and that's a good enough heaven for me. when I was in elementary school I never thought to myself that I would be depressed as shit in middle school and high school.
During the summer in between 8 and 9th grade, I was finally feeling like I didn't have depression anymore because I thought I was over him but depression doesn't go away. It makes me wonder how long I'm gonna have to suffer through this. I'm just another name to be carved into a rock, another body to be buried 6 feet underground next to the millions of other tombstones collecting dust.
I wonder if what I thought was my best friend and the only guy I love would care if I were to die. I think he would blow it off just like anyone else in my school. No one in my neighborhood would care, just another name to be said on TV and then skipped to football right after because no one cares. People drive by graveyards, hardly ever do you see someone visit it.
People already drive by me, today when I was walking home some ladies dog ran up to me while I was crying, I looked up at her and our eyes met but she just yelled at her dog to get in the house and walked away. School is too overwhelming, I can't understand any of it, I feel like they're all speaking a language and I'm the only one who doesn't know what they're saying.
I was asked what my music made me feel like and what it made me realize and I answered: "It makes me feel the same way I feel right now and it makes me realize something I've known for a while now, that I have problems and they're never gonna be solved." And now I'm thinking to myself what the hell am I gonna tell my mom when she sees that I've been crying.
? I just can't stand waking up and realizing the pain is following me around for yet another day, but if that's what I have to do to make sure no one I love has to feel like this then I will. Suicide isn't selfish like everyone says it is, It's only selfish toward the people who love the person committing it.
They're obviously in more pain than they can handle and so they kill themselves then that pain is passed on to the people that love them but think about it. It's like when we have a dog and it's in so much pain it can't eat or drink, we put them down we don't make them suffer through the pain just so we can keep them for our own happiness.
Them being alive makes us happy but if they're in too much pain to be happy then it's selfish for us to want them alive for our own convenience. Don't get me wrong I'm not encouraging suicide but depression doesn't ever go away so it's a lifelong sickness. It's like being paralyzed, you'll never be able to feel that part of your body again, only this time you'll never be able to feel that emotion again.
But yeah this is getting too long so thanks for sticking through.