I often wonder if anyone else has monsters. I have more than I can count.
Some monsters are small, almost cute. These monsters are usually from an endearing memory, a laughable regret, or an innocent mistake.
Usually they are not that scary and their purpose is to remind us of lessons learned.
For example, one of my small monsters is named Jerry. When I was a small child I stole a candy from the store, not an uncommon thing.
My mother noticed a large protruding candy bar sticking out of my pocket, as she attempted to help me with my
seatbelt. She quickly marched me back into the store where I was told to return the candy bar and to apologise to the cashier. An unfamiliar, uncomfortable feeling came over me.
I was only 2 maybe 3 years old and did not know how to understand this shame I felt.
That is when Jerry arrived. Jerry, does not look like a scary monster. Maybe more of a dark cloudy cat that stands up. Jerry would always show up whenever I took something that wasn't mine.
As a teenager, he often would follow me around the makeup section of a store. I would be debating on whether or not I was going to steal that eyeliner or not.
My friends would think I was so cool, but on the other I had money to buy it. Sometimes Jerry would win. I would buy the eyeliner, much to the cashiers surprise.
Sometimes Jerry would lose and I would pocket the loot, trying to make myself look cool.
I know what your thinking. (Say the following in a rude, sarcastic, teenage girl voice) “um, girl tbh, that's just your conscience. That is no monster.”
A theory I have is that some people are not able to see their monsters. Maybe the more of a narcissist you are the less of your monsters you can see.
Or maybe people who are just more sensitive can see their monsters better. Finally yes, maybe I am bat shit crazy. Maybe you should put on a fake fucking smile and politely let me finish.
Some monsters are large and scary. The very sight of them scares me to my core. These guys are usually the things that have happened to me or because of me.
Most of the monsters can be loving in their own way. Pet my hair and tell me I was young.
Or hand me bricks while building emotional walls, laughing about how people won't be able to get past this wall. Not these guys. These guys blame me for their existence.
Their nails are sharp, and as they graze my arms or my legs I can't help but remember how good a razorblade used to feel.
Their eyes are like piercing televisions, replaying moments from my past so that I can never forget. Their words are the worst, like knives, persistently and viciously stabbing me.
They whisper my faults, and scream my fears.
Visitation can be anytime. At work, while a supervisor is giving constructive criticism, the monsters like to also criticize or twist and add words.
“ What your boss is trying to say is that you suck. You don't do anything right and she can not wait until she can fire you.”
With a spouse while arguing, the monsters like to plant ideas of your loved one lusting over a coworker, or plotting on how and when to leave you.
The spouse that you know adores you suddenly can not stand you and only pities you.
With children, the monsters like to let you know you failed. They help you see how you can be blamed for every challenge your child has ever come across. Every failure is intensified.
All the opportunities that you are not able to provide rest upon your shoulders.
With friends and family the monsters whisper about how fat you are, how the people surrounding you are laughing at you.
They tolerate you, feel sorry for you, have turned you into some sort of charity. Eventually you slowly, unnoticeably withdraw.
You see people less and less, limiting contact to holiday and birthday Facebook messages, maybe a few text messages here and there.
It happens so slowly and it goes unnoticed that this confirms the monsters suspicions.
Monsters love strangers. They insert judgement into every look and sentence.
Monsters will tell you that these strangers are tearing you apart… did you just use the correct grammar? Is that really what that word means? Have you seen your own face lately?
There is no time or place that is safe from these beasts.
If at two in the morning one of them decides to go over every mistake you have ever made and you are asleep, they will enter your dreams.
They invade the space that is meant for rest and relaxation, for hopes and desires, and destroy it.
It becomes a movie starring yourself, looking your worst, replaying the darkest memories you have.
And if monsters can access your dreams, they can access the deepest, darkest corners of your memories. Things that you thought you buried and burned the map, they will sniff out and find.
Some monsters are a combination of small and scary. They talk circles and you don't know if they are insulting or complimenting you.
They help you through pain, but seem to get some sort of pleasure from the pain, like a s and m enthusiast.
When someone is hurting you, emotionally or physically, they hug you absorbing the pain for themselves. It's not that they are protecting you, but feeding off the pain.
These monsters eventually grow into the really big scary ones.
Training monsters is not possible. They do what they want when they want. When things are going well they show up out of the blue.
You can't tell them to leave and you can't really ignore them. I'm hoping that writing about them tones them down.
If other people have monster problems I wonder if they have solutions. Sometimes I wonder if people who take their own lives had monsters who won.
I often think I can recognize people with monsters. They have a certain look of concentration required to pay attention and try and drown out the monsters screams.
There are some people who have a calmness to them, a familiar look in their eyes of someone who should be outraged but is being hugged by a pain sucking monster.
See, when you have monsters it takes a lot to keep composure. Imagine you are at a romantic dinner. Your sitting across the table from your spouse.
Between you is a beautiful table setting complete with flowers and candlelight. The two of you are talking, laughing, and having a wonderful time.
Out of the corner of your eye you see a line of monsters slithering your way. Uninvited they stand around your table. You keep on smiling, trying to continue to have a good time.
One of the monsters screams “your fat!”, Just ask your lover feeds you a bite of cheesecake.
Then one of the big monsters starts caressing you with his sharp nails, just then a beautiful woman walks in, your husband looks up and back into your eyes.
He is completely focused on you, but according to the monster your husband is only thinking about how he got stuck with you.
Why doesn't he get rid of you and move on to someone more like her? Your so dumb, you let that one guy beat the shit out of you, repeatedly, your so weak. He should've killed you.
(I'm going to stop here) trying to not react emotionally when this happens is so hard.
I didn't ask for these monsters. I know that they are a burden to my loved one nes as well.
I can only imagine how difficult it is dealing with me, dealing with the monsters… sometimes I wonder if I am a monster to them.