To the voices; I hear you loud and clear..
Everyday begins differently, depending on how I see myself in the mirror that morning.
Some days begin very well; I look like a model I could take over the world. I could be anything and I have the best people in my life.
I could be everything I dream of, a pilot, a doctor, a baker, a lover, a friend.
Some days begin quite differently where I look in the mirror and think; ooh what a piece of shit you are, you're nothing compared to everyone else.
And you're definitely below everyone else around you. You've got nothing that proves your worth anything. Vulnerable. I plaster on a fake smile and step out into the world.
Maybe today will be different I repeat to myself. Those simple words pierce sharper than knives and more stronger than ever. I'm weak and I'm below you.
You ask me what I think of you and in my tiny eyes I look at you and think of all things wonder; you're a king, a thing of wonder and beauty, a living piece of art, a role model.
It leads me to think of what I look like in your eyes. I know and feel like I'm below you. I owe you my everything, my life. You owe me your nothing.
I'm like dust you can get rid of me with one swipe and poof I'm gone.
I repeat to myself, it's okay I'm nothing anyways. I'm not worth anyone's time or effort. I'm useless.
You say I think less of you whereas I feel under you. I'll give you my all my everything and expect nothing in return. I beg of you to hurt me yet you don't give me what I want.
I could never think less of you to cross you and betray you, to me hurt would cause more damage.
I lower my gaze as you look down and pity me, I repeat to myself "I am nothing, I am nothing, keep quiet and they'll go away"
The voices get louder as you approach me, all things else leave me, making me prove I am nothing.
You begin to despise me where I am dead to myself. I am my worst enemy. You make me sure of it.
I'm alone now, safe and sound. No one can get me here. I begin to converse myself only to hear you say "this isn't normal and I have problems."
You say we have problems maybe the problem is me. I am your problem maybe today will end differently.
I try to run away but I keep coming back for more the self loathing I meant self love, keeps me bound up here.
I give you the control of me and ask for nothing but love. You give me that love yet hurt me in its path. Can I be forgiven now? Oh wait it's my fault anyways.
I trusted you too much and gave you my all.
I lower myself beneath you for I am worthless in your eyes. To let you walk over me to get to the other side of me. You walk the four corners of me to take me as your own.
Little voice I hear you now; I see you right in front of me. Too late now, look who's in control. You shall not win this time for I have won control.