I remember all the sudden, flooding feelings of joy I would get when you used to run up behind me and tap me or whisper in my ear. This time was just the same.
That was my first reaction when I heard your voice behind me, but your voice lacked the gentle tone you normally speak in to me.
You walked in front of me and stopped me, telling me that you don’t think it’s gonna work out; you’re breaking up with me.
You looked at me directly as if the bottom hadn’t just fallen out of my world. You didn’t look at me as you normally do; looking down with the love and protection I always felt from you.
This time, you looked at me with a more downcast look, a distant and disassociated gaze. Too apathetic to even give me a real look; the last time I can expect to settle my eyes into yours.
Your voice isn’t full of the trust, comfort, and openness that you always had with me. Now it’s a short, almost professional tone; shallow and brittle.
I saw this person, not the person I fell in love with. An imitation: a lie. My first explanation is that you’re joking. I desperately searched your face over for a look of humor.
I waited for the punchline.
I try to communicate through my facial expressions; try to ask 'why?' the only way I can remember how. But you look away and walked past me hurriedly, like you didn't just stop time in it's tracks.
I’m left there...waiting to regain my mind and senses. I sat on a bench and my best friend came up to me and asked what was going on.
I looked at him, unable to say the words lest they make it a real event. “He broke up with me…” my words tumbled out. He look at me shocked, waiting for the punchline as I had.
I saw his confusion but couldn’t regain my voice to help. I fell backwards into myself and collapsed.
I went back in my mind to when I was laying down with you so peacefully, watching the light softly skim you. I couldn’t see much, but I saw your bright teeth framed by a broad, joyous smile.
It was a fuzzy image, but now it’s so sharp that it stings my mind’s eye. My friends call you names and say they’ll beat you up for me, but I never wanted it to be this way.
I wanted to always love you.
I tried to keep back my tears till after I left the school, knowing that if I start, I won’t be able to stop. But I collapse again, this time to the floor.
When I came home, I was unable to keep it together anymore. looked into the mirror and repeated your words to myself. “I don’t love you anymore.”
I could see the words appear on my face, repeating themselves, “I don’t love you anymore."
They sounded too foreign to match to your voice in my mind; you wouldn’t say that to me.
Why don’t I feel you anymore?